Given the arguments emerging over the current Calasanctius home page, the archives of the CML are here provided as a cautionary example of what may happen should we lose our perspective and self-restraint and give into unbridled indignation.
In order to bring order to the CML, the Mailing List was set up with checks and balances much like our own federal government. The CML President provided executive authority, the CMLCOA (CML Council of Operating Affairs) brought legislative initiative, and a Supreme Judge provided judicial interpretation.
Alas, the devil finds work for idle hands, and the lack of any real work for these institutions rendered this careful governmental architecture a dynamo of bitter debate and pointless hair-splitting. A key rule that judicial decisions be handed down in the form of parables oddly did not help matters. In the following passages, the messages are color-coded to identify which branch of the government was making the pronouncement, the President being Mr. The Hideous Elephant Man, the CMLCOA under the chairmanship of Mr. Nose, and role of Supreme Judge undertaken by Mr. Scum.
Our humble apologies to Dr. Mary Dowling for having so distorted what she taught us in American History class.
Constitutional Issues
Parables (Judicial and otherwise)
Questions of Tradition
Further Constitutional Issues
On Pleasure
Matters of Age
Mountains out of Molehills
Civil War!
From thomast Sat Mar 7 14:36:07 1992
Subject: curtailment of judicial powers
Only the CMLCOA has the power to review the constitutionality
of anything, because we are the only ones with the copy of the Calasanctius
School Mailing List. We are the only ones likely to be able to read it,
it being in such an obscure and almost indecipherable ancient language.
From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Mon Mar 9 13:38:29
1992
Subject: CMLCOA
We concur with the findings of the eminent scholar Mr Nose. However, it has come to our attention that according to ancient tradition, the SJ (Supreme Judge) is to head the CMLCOA as the representative on earth of St Joseph Calasanctius himself. It is further believed that in regard to all matters directly related to the governance of the CML, the decree of the SJ is held to be infallible. We will advise all members of further powers allocated to us when we have determined them.
SCUM
From thomast Mon Mar 9 13:59:07 1992
Subject: the Supreme Judgeship
Mr. Scum is correct about the position of the Supreme Judge, but he conveniently leaves out some important details. As the representative on earth of St Joseph Calasanctius, the SJ is expected to be the very image of humility and remote spirituality, leaving the more mundane matters of temporal affairs to the less exalted members of the CMLCOA. Likewise, on remotely obscure matters which do not affect everyday life nor even the operation of the CML, the SJ is most certainly infallible, though the working members of the CMLCOA have final say about what is sufficiently remote and obscure.
Any remarks about the SJ being a "figurehead" or a "patsy" are most certainly blasphemous, and will not be tolerated by us, though they will be tolerated by the SJ, him being so humble and all. We at the CMLCOA are very happy to be able to clear this up.
Mr. Nose
From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Mon Mar 9 14:08:07
1992
Subject: infallibilty
A parable: As we all know from the Christmas cards Fr Fodor used to give out, St Joseph Calasnctius spent his time looking for lepers or small children unjustly separated from their eyeballs, and applying the miraculous remedy of his healing hands. The pronouncements of the SJ are clearly the hands of the saint, for what so like a blind boy as a misguided committee? and what so like the efficacious hand as a judge's wisdom? and who more saintly and serene than I?
Therefore we will brook no prattle about "remote and obscure", lest ye find yourselves remote from your eyeballs, which would surely doom ye to live in obscurity.
SCUM
From thomast Mon Mar 9 14:29:58 1992
Subject: Presidency
Because of the current rash of constitutional and philosophical controversies, the CMLCOA would very much like to see the office of CML President filled as soon as possible. We therefore put forward Mr. The Hideous Elephant Man as a candidate. His qualifications: he will be docile and easily over-shouted (given his demostrated verbosity so far), and thus will be unlikely tomeddle in any constitutional or philosophical controversies.Unless there are objections, we hereby appoint Mr. The Hideous Elephant Man as the President of the Calasanctius Mailing List.
Mr. Nose
CMLCOA
From SHUMAN03@WILMA.WHARTON.UPENN.EDU Mon Mar
23 14:01:32 1992
Subject: Demise of CMLCOA
The President has spoken. All is well.
From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Sun Mar 15 13:45:58
1992
Subject: presidential powers
We must point out to him that while as President he does indeed have "the power of life or death", all his decrees are of course subject to judicial review. We rule that his declaration of silliness as applied to our pronouncements is unconstitutional (and, we might add, highly dangerous).
SCUM
From thomast Mon Mar 16 11:59:02 1992
Subject: Presedential Powers
We at the CMLCOA have not received any communication from Mr. The Hideous Elephant Man, President of the CML. We suggest that Mr. SCUM has reported such communication in order to confuse and deceive themembers of the CML, each of whom is eagerly waiting some pronouncement from our beloved leader. Given that the President of the CML is answerable directly (and solely) to the CMLCOA, we suggest that he answer us at once, lest he be facedwith scandalious charges and terrifluous accusations.
CMLCOA
From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Mon Mar 16 12:12:54
1992
Subject: Re: Presedential Powers
The suggestion voiced by Mr Nose that I would do anything to deceive, or NEED do anything to confuse, the CML, is utterly monstrous. However, in our mercy, we point out to ourselves that it is indeed a distressing thing to have a silent president, and Mr Nose has been under a great deal of stress, for the amelioration of which we recommend an extended vacation. As for our recalcitrant president, we are saddened to note that he is in the gravest danger of overthrow.
SCUM
From thomast Mon Mar 16 12:23:01 1992
Subject: Re: Presidential Powers
We do apologize for our snippy remarks about Mr. Scum, and do appreciate his mercy. It has indeed been very hard here at the CMLCOA because of the lack of Presidential action. We are also harassed by nasty notes,such as this one from Igor B_____, a member of the CML:
"... The SJ contends that he's spoken to the President. So where is this President? How come he don't speak to us? I's thought the SJ was go-between just between us and St. Joey, not between us and ours' President. What kind of government is this anyhow?! I smells conspiracies, collusions, and cabals everywhere, not just the ordinary ones I's always imagines neither. Who knows if the President is who the CMLCOA says he is, or if the SJ is who he himself actually is, or not? I'm mad... "
Other mad rantings have we received, by mail, voice, and telepathy. We appeal to the President to end this era of uncertainty with a strong-armed rule. For if he doesn't, there's others who will.
Mr. Nose
CMLCOA
From SHUMAN03@WILMA.WHARTON.UPENN.EDU Mon Mar
16 13:38:10 1992
Subject: Re: Presidential Powers
Must I, as President, soothe the souls of the CMLCOA? Am I responsible for the hand-holding that appears necessary to dispel the paranoia soprevalent among the members of the CML? (I mean Igor Bonski, of course). Who is this person we revere as the Supreme Judge? If he is so supreme, where is my pizza?
The President,
The Hideous von Elephant Man
From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Fri Mar 13 11:06:26
1992
Subject: palace
We have determined that it is the will of St Joe Cal that a palace be raised to promote and protect the serenity of the Supreme Judgeship. We feel sure that you will all wish to contribute towards the furthurance of this divine plan.
SCUM
From thomast Mon Mar 16 11:55:05 1992
Subject: Re: palace
In our humble devotion to St. Joseph Calasanctius, and in our deep interminable gratitude to his representative the Supreme Judge, we have constructed a palace for the serenity of the Supreme Judgeship. In our minds and in our hearts have we laboured lovingly to protect and defend the Supreme Judge from the weakness and the corruption of everyday life. And, what indeed is the Supreme Judgeship but a palace itself, a place for the keeping of the Supreme Judge's great wisdom, which nurtures us from its remoteness. And is not the Calasanctius Mailing List itself a palace, wherein the legions of St. Joseph might find a haven in a naughty world.
In these palaces within palaces, we do promote and protect the Supreme Judge; and we are grateful for his having reminded us of this most important duty and wondrous privelege.
Mr. Nose
CMLCOA
From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Mon Mar 16 12:09:51
1992
Subject: Re: palace
We are impressed by the insights of Mr Nose, and also by his frugality. It is indeed a naughty world.
SCUM
From SHUMAN03@WILMA.WHARTON.UPENN.EDU Tue Mar
24 13:37:01 1992
Subject: Crisis
We have recently uncovered the fact that the membership of the CMLFMR-R is identical in number and person to the membership of the CMLCOA. Since the new "election" is effectively, and no more than, a change in the name of the original organization, previously known as the CMLCOA, and; since the President has the ultimate authority to approve/reject proposals or attempts to change the structure and classification of all branches, affiliates, and organizations substantially overseen by the Presidency, I, your President, reestablish the CMLCOA to its original status, membership,etc., and eliminate the CMLFMR-R simply because it seeks only to complicate the current organizational structure and nomenclature of the entire CML family. Therebeitsostated, I, your humble President, request an opinion from the Supreme Judge as to the constitutionality and calasanctuality of the aboveoverlycircuitouslyforementionedhereto stuff.
Yarl, THEM
From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Wed Mar 25 16:50:30
1992
Subject: CMLFMR-R
as Supreme Judge, I affirm the constitutionality of the president's decision, in the main; however, as it is our belief that no name should ever be wiped off the face of the earth, and also that the members of that insidious organization should be made to suffer, we find that there is precedent for ordering that the membership of the CMLCOA should wear upon its shirt a large red "CMLFR-R" for the duration of this crisis.
SCUM
From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Tue Mar 10 14:56:05
1992
Subject: waterfowl parable
The admonishment of Mr Nose, that honorable man, is well taken.
It is said that in the time of the ancients there lived a saint, whocast bread upon the waters and thereby unsurprisingly attracted a host of waterfowl. Imbued with the Spirit of the Lord, the saint began to preach unto them. The enraptured cooings of the many birds, each in his measure, formed such gentle harmony with the cadences of the saint's speech that the clouds broke open and heaven smiled. At a moment of great elevation, there suddenly obtruded the cacophonous shrieks of the largest-billed (maxinasissimus) waterfowl, which splashed the water with its wings and prodded the other gentle birds with its bill (nasus). The saint remained serene, and offered a parable to quiet the misguided creature, who sadly answered only with still greater hootings. From the heavens swooped the enraged hawks of the Lord, who, seizing the offending bird by the NOSE, bore it aloft to a great height above a rocky desert, and there released it. As the unfortunate delinquent plummeted to a painful death (it was too nose-heavy for flight), it warned all future generations of nosy creatures to take warning by its rash mistakes.We trust our critics now rest content.
From thomast Wed Mar 11 14:12:05 1992
Subject: parables and the SJ
>It is said that in the time of the ancients there lived a saint...
This parable doth content us very well, and all should perceive its moral. While oftimes the membership does require an interpretation of such parables (which, if required, is provided most modestly by the CMLCOA), this one is of such clarity as to shine like the moon to the night-eye. And we trust the enlightened to transform themselves through such enlightenment after profound reflection.
The CMLCOA have received many questions from an innocent membership regarding the propriety of the Supreme Judgeship being such a public office. The members do wonder whether their closeness to such bright wisdom does diminish its balmy effects. A comparison is made to our Sun, which doth light the world most miraculously, and yet the looking-at of which doth blind and maim. So too from the old story of St. Icarus, one of St. Joseph Calasanctius's charges, who was hurled by a catapult into the Sun and thus was burnt to a crisp.
Says one naive questioning member:
"Our ancient books at times liken the membership
to a pail of milk, or to a pond. Just as the cream riseth to the top of
the milk (or scum to the top of a pond), so riseth the wisdom of theSupreme
Judge to the front of the Mailing List. And some say that, just as the
cream (or Scum), being so rich, is removed from the rest of the body of
the milk (or pond), so too should be the Wisdom of the Supreme Judge be
removed from the Innocence of the Rabble of the Membership.And just as
this cream (or SCUM) is disposed of, or rather, taken away and preserved
in its distilled form, uncorrupted by that which it hath transcended, so
too, perhaps, should the Supreme Judgeship be kept remote from the membership,
accessible only through the path of those chosen,so that the membership
might not be overwhelmed by the richness and purity therein."
The CMLCOA does gently chastise this member, reminding all that the decision of the CMLCOA to allow the communications from the SJ to the membership is testimony to our faith in the membership to be able to partake in and benefit from his wisely words. Were we concerned that the SJ might soon become too little remote from his readership, that he may become too richfor its digestion, or that he may be understandably mistaken as meddling in temporal affairs which are below his station, we would, as dutiful sons, exercise our authority and further remove the SJ from the membership, protecting the former from the corruption of the latter, and the latter from the overwhelming and dazzling purity of the former.The CMLCOA thanks both the members and their Shepherd the SJ for thischance to comfort and to clarify.
Mr. Nose
CMLCOA
From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Wed Mar 11 15:44:26
1992
Subject: Sun Cat Parable
We recall a parable:
Once long ago in Spain there was a hot, hot summer. The heat was so withering that the crops would not grow, there was little water to drink, and none to bathe in.The children were sick, the dogs died, and the octopi were outright dessicated. The people cried out, Why doesn't the king send a plea to the Sun Cat to stop his horrible heat? There's nothing worse than a sun cat in heat. The King replied, Why do not the people do it themselves? What has Caesar to do with cats? And there was no end of bickering. One day, a farmer noticed his old cow was in labor. But as the calf emerged, it melted in the fierce heat, melted the hide, melted the muscle, melted the bone, melted in fact the very atoms and turned them into gold. A golden calf was born! Mysterious music issued forth; for whatsoever wind entered the calf, it was amplified and made gracious as it left the mouth. (The parable does not record by what passage it entered.) Soon the farmer discovered that words could be so amplified, too, and made mellifluous, so as to charm the hearer. First he charmed his wife to stop her nagging. then he charmed his neighbor out of his land. Then he charmed his neighbor's daughter out of her (I do not recall this part of the story). The people came unto him. They said, O charmer, charm the Sun Cat out of the sky. What will you give me for this? said he. We will give you half the crops the rains produce these next ten years, they said. Agreed--and it was done. He began to charm, and soon the Sun Cat began to stir, dropping, dropping, into the sea. But the charmer had neglected to addressh is golden calf to the other heavenly bodies, and the dog star, following his own inclinations, chased the Sun Cat into the sea where they raised such a ruckus that a tidal wave crashed upon the land, killing the farmer and everyone who owed him crops.
From SHUMAN03@WILMA.WHARTON.UPENN.EDU Mon Mar
23 14:20:50 1992
Subject: Krog
I was truly distressed to see that we have actually lost ground in our attempt to compile the CML. Are our exchanges so offensive, so bombastic, so tiresome, that none are willing to endure this dialogue? How can we expectour true constituency to respond to our requests? Who will we not offend? How can we offend them otherwise?
Yet another parable comes to mind... Surely, you are familiar with the parable of the Parabler, let's call him "Norb". Norb was an innocent, unobtrusive cobbler who presided in the county of Yeicks, a county famous in the land for its draconian enforcement of a precocious form of socialism. As such, Norb operated his business as a time-share with the other eight cobblers in Yeicks, constructing fine footwear when, where,and with whatever resources as the "Rules and Regulations of Cobblery", drafted by a quorum of the Cobblery Commission of Yeicks, required. The system, as one would expect, given the harsh consequences of violation thereof, functioned smoothly. Norb enjoyed a modest income and a modest lifestyle, living with a modest wife and dog. When travelling to a neighboring county, Norb was befriended by three charming yet conniving gentlemen who secured usage of Norb's cobbling equipment, much as a result of Norb's natural generosity. When the other cobblers discovered that Norb had allotted usage of the equipment to complete strangers, they exacted upon him a punishment so cruel that, when described, is immediately forgotten by the audience. Therefore, I cannot recount to you that punishment, but rest assured it is nasty indeed.
As it so happens, the other cobblers and, legend
has it, the entire citizenry of Yeicks, including Norb's seemingly sympathetic
wife, found Norb to be dangerously incompetent, and therefore a threat
to the community. Examples of such behavior are many, however one incident
seems to stand out in Yeicks lore: during a routine operation, Norb spilled
14 yeick ounces ofCobbling Fluid (valued then for its adhesive qualities,
now valued forits usefulness in the construction of nuclear warheads),
some of whichlanded in his hair and remained there, tragically, that evening,
whilehe frolicked with his dog and then made passionate love to his wife.
The dog, their first pet, died soon thereafter and their child was born
horribly disfigured, with an incurable paranoia. That whole episode being
merely the tip of the iceberg, it was not long before the community became
incensed with Norb and sought to remove him from the county. Unfortunately,
the By-Laws of the county prohibited any such unprovoked expulsion. The
messianic arrival of the three conniving gentlemen provided the salvation
the community been hoping for, and the county prospered for centuries therafter,
until it was devoured by the Giant Qrax of Echinodermata.
Go figure.
THEM
>From jshuman@i-2000.com Fri Aug 30 04:13:07 1996
It is at a time like this, when quarrelling parties
appear far from agreement, that we should remember those words of the lesser
known St. Scum (11th century): "I have but very little to give. Here, take
it."
>From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Fri Aug 30 12:02:18 1996
What is little known is that this formed part
of a long dialogue, written
by Ignatius Qaaraam in the early 14th century,
ostensibly among St Scum,
St Nasus, and an Elephant. the passage immediately
following your
quotation is as follows:
St Nasus: Go; it is given. What was yours is mine.
Blessed are the
piecetakers. In the name of Our Lady of Perpetual
Confiscation I
bless you.
Elephant: Mmmpph!
St Scum: Eheu! that ever I should have lived to
see what I see on this day
of my life that has been so woefully long as
to bring me to this
pass wherefrom the prospect in reverse is a long
life that has led
to--
Elephant: MMNNPPHH!
St Scum: True.
St Nasus: Let us join appendages, hand to hand,
hand to tail, trunk to
hand. Invoke we the Elves of Sebastian to confer
their Blessing of
the Unblessworthy.
Elephant: mmmmmmmnph....
St Scum (muttering): ...have pity upon me a poor
footstool, troglodyte
among nightingales, sparrow not eagle, towel
boy not athlete, not
paterfamilias but Crazy Uncle Herb....
Elephant: I am not an animal!
St Nasus: And so we are parted. Let us run.
St Scum: Run away! Flee! Vamoose!
Elephant: Mmmnmmph!
>From thomast@eecs.umich.edu Sat Aug 31 08:47:55
1996
Subject: St. Scum
It should be recalled that St. Scum's famous lines
were uttered immediately after his being diagnosed with leprosy.
>From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Sat Aug 31 11:42:30
1996
Subject: Re: St. Scum
Not at the first occurrence of the passage. You
are thinking of the reprise of the same lines later in the dialogue, with
the difference that there the Leper and the Elephant join in the Dance
of Deformity, to St Nasus's playing of the nose flute.
From thomast Wed Mar 25 20:55:58 1992
Subject: charter
The CMLCOA regrets to report that the Calasanctius Mailing List Charter disappeared during the recent turmoil. The Charter, consisting of collections of obscure aphorisms gathered by St. Joseph Calasanctius during his many travels to obscure places, as well as commentaries and additional writings by Calasanctius himself in strange obscure and ancient letters, forms the basis for CML government. Unfortunately, in our zeal for privacy, the CMLCOA made no complete copies of the Charter, and very little of it has been translated. We urge those responsible to return the Charter, as no one else has sufficient ability to translate and interpret these writings. The CMLCOA take no responsibility for this loss, given the great obstacles the President and the SJ have put in our way.
Mr. Nose
CMLCOACo-ordinator of Free the Innocent CMLFMR-R
Confessori (FICMLFMR-RC)
Vice Chairman of the CMLCJFA-T-G
From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Thu Mar 26 17:05:52
1992
Subject: charter
It has been from time immemorial a duty of the Supreme Judge to bear the oral tradition [and birdsong liturgy] of which the charter was only a pale representation anyway. I shall supply the parables, the aphorisms, the words and deeds of St Joe Cal. All shall inhere in me. Let there be no fear.
SCUM
From thomast Thu Mar 26 18:08:54 1992
Subject: the "oral tradition"
It should be noted once more that the Calasanctine "oral tradition" and liturgy of bird-like chirps and burbles is the root of the conflict between the followers of St Joe Cal and the Fransiscans. Indeed, it was the suggestion by a Calasanctine monk that St Francis was merely talking to St Joe Cal (who often dressed as a bird) which caused the initial split between the two groups. The conflict escalated to the point where in 1611, the Franciscans engineered the law banning the sale of eggs to any member of the Calasanctine orders in Bologna.
1611 marks the beginning of the migration of the Calasanctine orders to Hungary. As one Magyar wit put it: "Here, the birds have found their eggs."
From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Mon Mar 30 08:05:11
1992
Subject: oral tradition
The "bird song" of which Mr Nose so disingenuously writes is, as he well knows, a stylized compression or shorthand for very complex, but surely intelligible, canticles. Some of these, indeed require reconstruction from the parts or fragments that have come down to us orally, but the bird-song keys, if you will, allow us to determine for each canticle what pieces go where. Some of these keys, indeed, replicate the songs of actual birds, which is helpful in cases where even the key has not survived wholly. For instance,the celebrated "book of the goldfinch" has been painstakingly reconstructed using field recordings of present day birds and applying the findings to oral fragments of the expanded canticle. There are, of course, certain rogue scholars who claim that "libro del ...oro.." (where the ellipses indicate those portions of the parchment eaten by moths) in fact refers to a "book of the oriole" which would, naturally, change not a few items of dogma. These scholars have been put into sacks, each with an ape, a cock, a snake, and either an oriole or a goldfinch, in an effort to resolve the matter.
SCUM
>From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Fri Aug 23 04:46:20
1996
Subject: Re: the CML shall rise again
The Supreme Judge announces his satisfaction with
the Return of the President. Let it be noted that in his absence, We were
not among those who desecrated official state portraits, or assigned his
Augustness naughty nicknames. Indeed, We have always condemned the rabble
(you know who you are) for such hooliganism.
>From jshuman@i-2000.com Sun Aug 25 10:21:08 1996
My memory has been very foggy since the so-called "accident" that removed me from my governance years ago. One thing is for certain, however, my powers have only strengthened through years of sleep and intravenous dining. I will tolerate no violations of the Constitution of the CMLCOA or any of the associated amendments that I myself have passed (I can do that, right?) through whim, spite, ill humor or otherwise. What does "CMLCOA" stand for anyway?
Please that I have taken the liberty of assuming some of the responsibilities of the Supreme Judge. Soon all power will be consolidated in the office of the Presidency. Mine, mine, mine, all mine.
I'm a reasonable man, though. We can probably
discuss this matter over breakfast.
>From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Mon Aug 26 16:52:02 1996
We must note that while the CML may be said to
have an unwritten constitution, which it is of course the prerogative of
the SJ to interpret, there is no constitution for that shadowy organization,
the CMLCOA. If such a constitution were to come about, it would indeed
be the president's job to interpret it out of existence.
>From thomast@eecs.umich.edu Tue Aug 27 01:58:00
1996
Subject: The Glorious CMLCOA
As the President is obviously too groggy to remember even the meanings of CML acronyms, we at the CMLCOA will accept the burden of absolute rule, under the friendly guidance of General Haig, until such time as the President regains his senses. We remind all that the crucial (and some would say soverign) element of the CML is the CML Council on Operating Affairs. Those who claim that CMLCOA stands for CML Coven of Antichrists will be summarily suppressed.
(We would also like to proclaim gains, but no
victory, in the battle against the Republic of the Fleas.)
>From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Tue Aug 27 09:46:25
1996
Subject: Re: The Glorious CMLCOA
CMLCOA rule, or rather misrule, is not to be countenanced, though General Haig is always welcome.
Our sympathy and military advisors go out to the
oppressed Flea Freedom Fighters.
>From thomast@eecs.umich.edu Tue Aug 27 02:04:56 1996
We here at the CMLCOA apologize for our sudden verbosity, but we must clear up various matters. There is indeed no constitution for the CMLCOA, as our humble legislative body follows the traditional practices, procedures, and absurd quips handed down over generations, ultimately from St. Joe Cal himself.
Were the Prime Piarist's obscure (and indeed currently
misplaced) Book of Songbirds to be definitively translated, we would indeed
beg the President as a body to "interpret us out of existence". Sadly,
this is very unlikely to occur during our short and infrequent lifetimes.
>From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Tue Aug 27 09:48:15 1996
The CMLCOA knows very well that the Supreme Judges
have always had by heart the authentic text of the Book of Songbirds, and
indeed that all their preeminent authority flows therefrom.
>From thomast@eecs.umich.edu Sun Sep 8 21:45:44
1996
Subject: Legal Matters
The CMLCOA is again under siege by the nefarious
Flea Forces. While we do not suggest that the Fleas have been getting outside
help, we would remind the President and the Supreme Judge that voodoo and
the casting of spells are forbidden
under the CML Charter. In fact, all "Action at
a Distance" is forbidden, excepting electro-magnetic and gravitational
attraction. We are reviewing these exemptions, and may pass some long-needed
reforms to the Law of Gravity.
The CMLCOA
>From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Tue Oct 1 10:46:43
1996
Date: Tue, 1 Oct 1996 00:19:43 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Re: Legitimacy
After careful consideration, the Supreme Judge
has determined that the bloodshed between warring factions in the King
of Prussia apartemnt, viz., the CMLCOA and The Fleas, is a purely local
matter and should be handled by local authorities. Non-intervention is
clearly called for. I'm sure the President will back me up on this.
>From jshuman@i-2000.com Wed Oct 2 11:18:48 1996
Date: Tue, 01 Oct 1996 20:54:42 -0400
In an official statement made earlier today, the President's spokesman remarked "The President regrets the loss of comfort related to the attack of the Fleas and assures the victims that, in due course, the matter will surely rectify itself and that, in the interim, they should keep their distance."
The President sympathetically advised all victims
to be properly disinfected prior to visiting the Presidential Palace.
SCUM: I prefer clever, nefarious pleasure.but it is merely a preference. Mindless but harmless pleasure will do.
THEM: It seems to me that in order to be pleasurable, an activity must, at least indirectly, be nefarious. So you can count on it.
SCUM: OK, an activity, I'll grant you, must be nefarious to be pleasurable. But passive pleasure can't be, right? All activity, then, is pleasurable insofar as it is nefarious, whereas pleasure is harmless only insofar as it is passive.
THEM: Whereas surely you are wrong, because passive pleasure by definition involves the reception of pleasure without any contribution. (Witness:a movie, play, etc.), barring, of course, monetary contribution. The pleasure we derive from such activities is necessarily evil because we twisted individuals are satisfied only by twisted entertainment. By absorbing such twisted material, we further deteriorate our mental condition and morals, which is anything but innocuous.
SCUM: I did not say that passive pleasure could not furnish the mind with new nefarious possibilities, only that it was not in itself nefarious. Perhaps we should say it is nefarious in the second degree.
>From jshuman@i-2000.com Wed Aug 28 19:04:21 1996
The plaintive whines and empty threats I hear
has stirred up the faint memory of a previous term plagued by distractions
and general fecklessness. (to wit, I now recall that in 1992 the Supreme
Judge declared the Law of Mandatory Eternal Bliss and Brunch unconstitutional).
Although the Opinion followed no logical path (and appeared irrational
and spiteful at times, with such atypical language as "like it or leave
it" and "I told you so"...) I would argue that any branch of such a sophisticated
and responsible organization as the CML shall be occupied only by those
with experience sufficient to meet its grueling demands. Consequently,
I hereby decree, effective today, the "Elder Rule Rule", whereby no branch
shall be controlled by any individual below the age of 30 years. As is
fair, I have also implemented a "reverse grandfather clause", pursuant
to which those currently disqualified from holding such office or posts
shall never obtain eligibility.
>From jshuman@i-2000.com Thu Aug 29 18:40:59 1996
I appreciate my right honrable friend's praise of the Elder Rule Rule, although I should like to point out (lest there be any misunderstanding at the time his particularly gawdy furniture is removed from chambers) that, in keeping with his erstwhile honor's opinion of several years ago (see below), the act of conception does not mark the beginning of one's age and (let's not be silly) certainly not the time from which we customarily measure age (or have done so as precedent in all legislation and case law). If such an interpretation is to be made universally, I will be forced (albeit reluctantly) to amend such decree.
I refer above to your decision in the case of "CML vs. Unhappy Pregnant Bunnies."
I am hoping to resolve this matter without the
use of fierce violence. As I have said before, I am a reasonable man.
>From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Thu Aug 29 18:43:41 1996
The decree may of course be amended, but all those who were made eligible for office under the judicial interpretation of Decree 1, shall be grandfathered in.
"Unhappy Pregnant Bunnies" is a red herring. It is well known in Judical Circles that the above-herein-cited case involved the payment of money to bunny farms to increase pregnancies in the short term around the time of an election so as to artificially inflate the bunny population of a district and thereby give it undue delegate counts to bunny conventions. It was wisely held that such unscrupulous practices were the worst sort of gerrymandering, and in the ensuing War Between Sikhs and Bunnies, the bunny population was in any case decimated.
>From thomast@eecs.umich.edu Fri Aug 30 00:47:06
1996
Subject: Elder Rules
Ah, yes. We wish our beloved (though not exactly feared) President a very Happy Birthday. In fact, the CMLCOA passed such an Elder Rule Rule with the "grandson clause" a couple months ago.
Alas, because this law was mistakenly ratified a couple hours early, due to confusions over whether the Earth has stopped revolving (apparently it hasn't), noone in the CML has any power any more, even to reverse this heinous law.
>From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Fri Aug 30 02:47:36
1996
Subject: Re: Elder Rules
My research assistants, burrowing like rats in
the vast CML archives to avoid my wrath, have uncovered two significant
pieces of ancient legislation: the Saint's Day Rule, and the Over Elder
Rule Rule (Superannuation Rule). The latter states that no person over
the age of 300 shall have any power whatsoever, by the Presumption of Feebleness
Doctrine. On its face, this would seem of little import. However, in combination
with the Saint's Day Rule, it is a devastating attack on the current power
structure. The SDR states that for purposes of age determination of public
officials, instead of birthdays we are to use the old custom of Name Days--the
birthday of a saint that shares your name. However, unlike traditional
Name Days, under CML rules all saints with that name are counted. the large
number of saints with a name
like--oh--say, James or (let us suppose) Thomas,
would lead inevitably to anyone with such a name having perhaps a dozen
Saint's Days in a year.
Accountants and Theologians have formed a task force to determine which of our public officials will have to be removed violently from office.
>From thomast@eecs.umich.edu Sat Aug 31 08:45:55
1996
Subject: Re: Elder Rules
Ah, so those that were burrowing were Judicial Clerks? We confess that the CMLCOA Subcommittee on Pests has had some of them exterminated.
It goes without saying that only Saints of the Cal Clerks are to be considered for the Saints' Day Rule. But even this rule should be applied only rarely, for the poor bookkeeping of the Order. For example, there is on the rolls the pernicious Saint Nathan Ahmed Akbar Lotus Branch, the militant Buddhist Quietist whose final rampage saw the Sack of Rome, the mysterious deaths of three simultaneous Popes, and the melting of all ice cream in the city of Venice.
>From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Sat Aug 31 11:39:50
1996
Subject: Re: Elder Rules
While most of what you say is true, the historian Thaddeus Quince long ago proved that the infamous Melting Venetian Ice Cream was due to sunspot activity, and entirely coincidental to the rampage of St Nathan A.A.L.B., though the Positivist School of Herbert, Lecky and Minx, unwilling to accept coincidence, also credited the sunspots with driving the saint into his final rage.
>From jshuman@i-2000.com Fri Aug 30 14:09:13 1996
Responding to the men with the long white ears - please, settle down. I do not need to remind you that the case of CML vs. Unhappy had nothing at all to do with you. You should try to be less twitchy and knee-jerk reactionary whenever anybody mentions the word "bunny."
I, of course, value your continued support and
will, myself, walk on eggshells so as not to offend you in the future.
>From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Fri Aug 30 17:20:43 1996
The Supreme judge would hereby serve notice to
the president that he (the SJ) shall be sitting in judgement on a case
brought by the Chicken Producers of the CML, viz., Eggshells v. CML President.
Apparently they are irate over recent threats to walk on eggshells, which
in some radical circles have been reported as "trample elephant-like upon
hapless eggshells".
>From jshuman@i-2000.com Sat Aug 31 01:03:23 1996
I would like to say that we are all making a mountain
out of a molehill (I have received all necessary consents for the use of
this expression).
>From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Sat Aug 31 11:34:24 1996
It is clearly impossible, in view of the conservation
of matter, to make a mountain out a molehill., though it would be possible
to make a mountain out of many molehills.
>From thomast@eecs.umich.edu Sun Sep 1 10:43:27 1996
If a mole used a mountain for its home, it would
become a molehill. Though that would be making a molehill out of a mountain.
>From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Sun Sep 1 14:25:19 1996
I need hardly point out that while the molehill
would be on the mountain, the mountain would not be a molehill, excepting
always the case of the Giant Mole of Papua New Guinea. I believe that all
natural historians would agree with me here, despite the claims of Soviet
botanist I.V. Kilpapov in his book Earth a Collective Molehill.
>From jshuman@i-2000.com Mon Sep 2 12:44:57 1996
It always seemed strange to me that the expression
"mountain out of a molehill" emerged not as a mere colloquialism, although
it serves the purpose well, but from actual events immediately preceding
the tragic landslide on the Valley of the Seeing in North Umbria. As you
know, it was the blind prince Furio who, after being banished to the hills
for disloyally blowing the cover on his eldest brother Porcco in the Refreshments
Scandal (it is unclear whether he earned his nickname the Mole from this
incident or blindness), was insullted by a hermit living on an almost identical
hill across the valley who claimed to be at higher ground or "closer to
God". Furio's efforts to outdo the hermit were hardly effective; the loose
slate and other materials collapsed, triggering a mammoth landslide which
crushed just about everybody in the valley. I confess I may have misused
the expression earlier, as it should mean "to precipitate a human catstrophe."
>From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Mon Sep 2 21:56:26 1996
Such precipitation gave rise, of course, to the
Umbrian expression, "raining mounts and molehills". And the dismay of the
buried Umbrians in turn gives us the popular expression "to take umbrage".
From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Wed Jan 27 04:35:34
1993
Subject: Judgement Day
As we are forced to the inevitable conclusion that our Regent has either absconded or been done away with, I hereby assume full presidential power until a suitable replacement can be found (which could take a long time). Decrees are as follows:
From thomast Wed Jan 27 08:09:24 1993
Subject: Re: third decree
President Bonski is indeed resident in our province, protected from the daily turmoil of the outside world. We thank Mr. Scum for temporarily filling the office of President. His is a supreme sacrifice, considering that he, now as ex-president, is now officially held guilty for all crimes which occurred during his tenure, including those committed by any of us. The trial shall begin soon, though we will advise President Bonski to take into consideration Mr. Scum's service as Supreme Judge, mixed though his record was. President Bonski's imminent elevation to King and Sovereign of the CMLwill soon be justified by a careful exegesis of the last work in St. Joseph Calasanctius's Book of Songbirds, the Song of the Hawk.
Mr. Nose
CMLCOA
Future Chief Minister
From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Wed Jan 27 08:31:23
1993
Subject: Re: third decree
The Song of the Hawk is utterly apocryphal."President" Bonski will be hunted down like a dog.
From thomast Wed Jan 27 08:57:14 1993
Subject: third degree
King Bonski has decreed that all councils and offices of the CML shall be dissolved immediately. All power now lies in the Monarchy. Si veut le roi; si veut la loi. Here are some excerpts from his coronation speech:
Oh, it was awful for our St. Joey, and it is
awful for us. We have our own
Sozzi's and Cherubini's to confound us. Conspiracies
are everywhere, and
we have no rest. Oh, my eyes! And the ringing
in the ears calls us to a Futile Duty...
The Trees, they watch us through the windows.
Oh those nasty prickly trees,
watching and waving, waving and watching,
whispering to each other without
a pretense of innocence. Where does it end?!
Oh Trees, oh Trees! Be swift, be merciful...
And the Fire that comes, it burns our nasty
scaly skin, it burns our wretched
hair. Oh people, people, after me, the deluge
of flame! The Crown, it burns
my scalp, it singes the brain, oh, oh!...
Our prodigal judge was not mentioned in the speech, but the King does earnestly desire his obeisance.
Mr. Nose
Chief Minister
From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Wed Jan 27 09:11:08
1993
Subject: rebellion
The Trees are Birnham wood. Thou shalt have thy Dunsinane, thou dunce inane.Vengeance is mine.
May our great President or noble Regent be swiftly returned to us to help crush this nastiness.
SCUM
From thomast Wed Jan 27 09:24:06 1993
Subject: Re: rebellion
This will be my last message to the CML for a long time, as I have been arrested by the order of King Bonski, and it is only a matter of time before I am caught and imprisoned. Our King has, in just the first few minutes of his reign, proven to be a blood-thristy tyrant. I can only hope that the rebellion will succeed, and that liberty and prosperity will return to the CML. Oh, no. Here he is. I am done for.
Mr. Nose
Rebellion in futile, not to mention silly. Be menial, be venial. I only wants what's good for you. So saith the king.
I. Bonski, King of the Calasanctius Mailing List
From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Wed Jan 27 09:28:36
1993
Subject: The Fall of the House of Nose
Well, this is what comes of harboring rebels. I trust others will profit by the example. Fortunately our forces are massing on the frontier, according to my carrier pteradactyloi, and may be able to effect a rescue of the presumably contrite Mr Nose. King bonski will be horsewhipped and set alight as was the prctice in them good old days.
SCUM
From thomast Fri Jan 29 13:07:37 1993
Subject: The Battle
I, Nose, prisoner of the great and terrible King Bonski, have been required by the Monarch to give this true and horrible account of the gruesome battle between the forces of the true King Igor Bonski of the Calasanctius Mailing List and the renegade and self-styled "President" Mr. Scum.
Mr. Scum attacked most ungallantly when the loyal Croatian legions were occupied elsewhere. Nevertheless, Our GloriousKing's armies of Cruels and Hags and Faculty members proved almost from the beginning the righteousness of its cause through victory at arms. Many of Mr. Scum's mercenary followers were lured into Greenhouses from which few escaped. Others were found only after the battle, in closets hanging on meathooks. And still others were slaughtered by the army of Sikh warriors led by an unidentified chemistry teacher. This same army had previously compromised the previous president Mr. The HideousElephant Man.
But in the midst of the rout, Mr. Scum himself appeared on the field, and few could withstand his fury. Some, dazzled by theirfirst glimpse of our former Supreme Judge, bowed down before him and were disemboweled. Others were so baffled by his non sequiturs that they were lost for the rest of the battle, their minds reeling.The tide was turning; for the first time, victory by the King was in doubt.
But Our King was not taken unawares. His trust in the traditions of St. Joseph Calasanctius, and his incurable paranoia, could not allow defeat. He swiftly sent forth to Mr. Scum a large number of papers and exams which needed to be graded. Even the furious Mr. Scum could not match this challenge. He spend the remainder of the battle struggling with the papers and exams, while the remainder of his army was put to flight. And before the end, he fell into a profound sleep, and could not even lead a graceful retreat. Only through his deathlike slumber was he able to evade capture, his prone body being indistinguishable from the countless corpses of his erstwhile followers. It is assumed that he scampered off once he awoke and recognized the horrible defeat.
The Rebel's army is largely destroyed. The King is victorious. May the Calasanctius Mailing List long prosper. And may thegoodness of St Joe Cal release me from my bonds.
Mr. Nose
Prisoner of the King
From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Fri Jan 29 15:50:26
1993
Subject: The Aftermath
We are indeed grieved to hear of the woeful condition of imprisonment that has so, may we say, deservedly befallen Mr Nose. Lie down with dogs....We would assure him that while the battle he describes so vividly was a temporary setback, the situation is not nearly so dire as his captors have led him to believe. I cannot give specific information, but I can reveal, for instance, that the Sikh legions seem now in their unruly way to have turned against that erstwhile patron over a wage dispute.
We shall shortly be in contact with our revered President THEM, whose return we continue to beseech. We are also confident that our Regent will soon take up her duties and put to flight the remaining usurpers.
Acting President
Supreme Judge
SCUM
From thomast Sun Feb 7 18:03:13 1993
Subject: The Donation of Krugus
Being imprisoned in the Royal St. Joseph Calasanctius Library, I have spent many days going through the many documents of the CML. Recently I have found a very old text entitled "The Donation of Krugus", which seems to support at least some of the arguments of my distinguished but otherwise cruel captor, King Bonski. It may, I hope, provide abasis for negotiations between the King and our wayward Judge, the Rebel Mr. Scum.
I should also add that Mr. Scum's army's ambush of a pilgrimage of Royalist monks was most certainly outside the rules of chivalrous conduct. I, too, have my disagreements with the King, but really.
Mr. Scum
Prisoner of the King
From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Sun Feb 7 20:58:10
1993
Subject: Donation of Krugus
A facsimile of this text was published years ago by the Bodleian Library, at which time the eminent scholars Drs Q and H proved conclusively that it was a forgery, the merest of shams.
We know very well that the nefarious self-styled King Bonski has gone into hiding in the adopted habit of a monk, and it was for that reason that the good men of the Loyalist Brigade questioned the group you mention. Despite their misguided political sympathies, they were released unharmed.
SCUM
From thomast Sun Feb 7 22:13:20 1993
Subject: Re: Donation of Krugus
I don't remember there being any resolution to the earlier debate over "The Donation of Krugus". Certainly, the praise of absolutism evident in the Jadler parable does not conflict with the beliefs propounded in this text. In any case, the text in question then was merely a copy of a copy of the text which has just been discovered. The mere existence of the original refutes the findings of Drs. Q and H,who were in any case uncharacteristically hasty in their assessments of the work.
As for the kidnapped monks, I've heard rumor that those that did return were almost dead-drunk, and babbling incessantly. While unjustly imprisoned myself, I nonetheless can find no fault with King Bonski's ascetic habits, which serve as a good example in these hard times.Would that he were as sparing in his exercise of power.
Mr. Nose
Prisoner of the King
From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Mon Feb 8 13:27:31
1993
Subject: Re: Donation of Krugus
What kind of weaseling is this copy of a copy talk? The copies were accurate and in a fair hand. Drs Q and H have not, to my knowledge, reversed their position.
I am not responsible for the intemperance of the clergy.
SCUM
From thomast Mon Apr 12 14:31:34 1993
Subject: An appeal
Since our escape from the prisons of King Bonski, we have been shocked and saddened from looking upon the ruins of the CML. Surely this catastrophe would not have happened had the legislative body of the CML been allowed to exercise its powers unhindered. Nevertheless, we have decided neither to join the cause of the former Supreme Judge Mr. Scum nor to support the efforts of our former captor, King Bonski. In fact, we shall be sending asuitibly non-electronic epistle to our former President Mr. THEM in order to absolve ourselves of any blame in these matters.
Don't burn your CML money, boys.
Mr. Nose
CMLCOA
From ndrose@husc.harvard.edu Tue Apr 13 06:11:24
1993
Subject: Re: An appeal
We have always maintained and continue to maintain that the CML is alive in spirit, and has suffered only a temporary series of gruesome setbacks.
Anyone convicted of burning CML money would of course be hanged.
SCUM
From thomast Sat Jul 31 16:27:03 1993
Subject: Success and succession
We here at the CMLCOA should like to review, for
the public record, the history of the Presidential Succession:
| President | Result |
| Fr. Bela Kriegler (elected) | Election results thrown out |
| Mr. THEM (appointed) | Left to become Wall Street banker |
| M_____ (appointed as Regent) | Never heard from again |
| Mr. SCUM (self-appointed) | Civil war |
| Igor Bonski (appointed) | Crowned himself King |
We will hope that Mr. Krog, if he does succeed to this office,will continue this glorious tradition of honor and reliability.
Mr. Nose
CMLCOA