If this is indeed true, and I have no reason to doubt an English paleontologist, it could mean bad news for the Los Angeles Galaxy, which is a major league soccer team. That’s the team that last winter signed international soccer superstar David Beckham to a contract worth roughly the total combined value of all the real estate currently in Beverly Hills. Actually, the team just gave Beckham and his wife, Posh Spice-Beckham, Beverly Hills and made everyone else move out.

With this sort of monetary investment, the Galaxy could ill afford to have its star player chased down on a soccer field and eaten by a large prehistoric reptile.

Yet, as unlikely as that is, it probably will happen because that is the sort of luck professional soccer has had here in the United States. For three decades now, soccer has been the up and coming sport in America. But despite the fact that ten years ago the federal government mandated that every child by the age of four start playing in a town soccer program, to the average American watching professional soccer would still be more interesting if a swift-moving, carnivorous dinosaur was involved.

ANNOUNCER: “The ball is played back to Beckham who’s looking to pass it...oohhh, the T-Rex just bit Beckham completely in half. That’s going to draw a yellow card. Ooohh, now the T-Rex just bit the referee in half.”

I am sure that if you asked the rest of the soccer-crazed world to explain why it is Americans in general still do not fully appreciate soccer, their answer would be that we are a bunch of morons. But I believe it goes even deeper than that.

Most Americans think that something is missing in soccer. And not just the long breaks in action that allow television networks to run hilarious beer ads while we go to the bathroom. As important as these are, that’s only part of the problem.

What most Americans feel is missing in professional soccer is something we like to call “scoring,” or “points.”

If I took the time to look up actual statistics, I’m sure I’d find that soccer teams score on average 0.0037 points per match. A good team might have five goals all season. We are not going to invest a few hours of our life when the likely outcome is a 0-0 tie. And we don’t appreciate a sport that counts a 2-0 score with forty minutes left to play as an insurmountable lead.

This is why watching youth soccer is so much better: because scoring happens. Teams can come back. No lead is safe.

So how do we, as Americans, fix soccer for the rest of the world? While few would deny that releasing a T-Rex onto the soccer pitch during a match would be exciting, the more traditional European and Latin fans might find it too gimmicky.

No, we need to change the game at its fundamental core. We could increase the size of the net, but if you ever stood next to a soccer net you would see that it is already huge. The fact that teams aren’t already scoring more is embarrassing really.

We could not allow the goalies to use their hands, or eliminate the goalkeeper position altogether. But goalie saves are the best part to watch. We want more of that, not less.

Therefore, I propose eliminating the offside rule. There are many compelling reasons why we should: 1) Americans don’t understand the rule anyway, 2) a player could hang out by the opponent’s goal and wait for a pass then try scoring at will, and 3) this would give the goalie someone to talk to when the ball is downfield.

All excellent reasons to change the game to suit ourselves, and I’m sure the rest of the world won’t mind accommodating us. Especially if the alternative is a fleet-footed T-Rex.

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