This explains why the population was so much smaller. People were dropping over dead left and right. This was partly due to unsafe summertime practices, such as getting sunburns and being bit by mosquitoes. No one noticed, however, because they were too busy "living easy." At least until they themselves dropped dead, which usually got their attention.

Today, we are not so stupid. We now understand the real dangers posed by summer. One of the biggest dangers being...

THE WEST NILE VIRUS: What a lot of people don't know about the West Nile Virus is that it is (a) a virus, that (b) comes from the West Nile. And the West Nile just happens to be in Africa, which is located near the Middle East, where a good number of terrorists come from. That's why the Department of Homeland Security classifies mosquitoes found illegally carrying the West Nile Virus as being part of a terrorist organization.

To protect yourselves against the West Nile Virus, the federal government recommends you avoid going outside when mosquitoes are most active (May through September). If you must go outside, you should wear long pants and long sleeve shirts.

Unfortunately, mosquitoes laugh at these recommendations. After all, we're talking about terrorist mosquitoes here, the kind willing to engage in suicide missions. They would think nothing of sneaking up your shirt sleeve or pant leg in their quest to spread disease. If you must go outside in the summer (which I strongly recommend against) your only real protection would be to cover all bare skin by completely wrapping yourself in duct tape. Of course this limits your body's ability to cool itself, which could lead to another big summer danger...

HEAT STROKE: To understand what happens to your body during heat stroke, think of the outdoors as a giant microwave oven and the sun's rays as the microwaves used to cook the food. Remember, a microwave oven cooks food from the inside. So while a person experiencing heat stroke might feel cool on the outside, their insides are approaching the boiling point. Luckily, most people pass out and receive proper medical attention long before their insides actually begin to boil. That's good news because once someone's insides start boiling they are at a much higher risk of exploding, similar to the way a potato might explode in a microwave oven.

While the sun's rays are boiling your insides, it is also burning your skin. Leading to yet another danger, which is...

SUNBURNS: Until now, the biggest concern with sunburns had been skin cancer. That's why if you go outside and choose not to be wrapped in duct tape, you should at least apply a sun block with an SPF of 500 or more. This advice is even more important now that the ozone layer is toast, allowing deadly gamma rays in. Gamma rays are known to cause unpleasant genetic mutations, including turning some people into the Hulk. A federal study has shown we can expect a sharp increase in the number of people mutating into the Hulk over the next ten years.

But one thing we don't need to worry about is...

SARS: For now the disease has been limited to far away, exotic locations such as Beijing, China and Toronto, Canada. And the disease seems to be waning. But if you must visit a SARS affected location this summer, be safe and take along your own scuba breathing apparatus and plenty of extra air tanks.

Just remember, by following a few simple precautions, you too can have "hot fun in the summertime." These precautions should include staying indoors and hiding under your blanket.

________________________________________

Click on Home for more columns