The entire clockwork precision of Santa’s workshop would collapse quicker than the subprime lending market. Before long there would be Congressional hearings, tasks forces, and FEMA sent to the North Pole to help. By the time it was over the elves would be living in toxic trailers and Santa would be paid by the United State government not to make toys.

Thankfully, that is not the world we live in. Instead, Santa’s leadership ability along with the excellent management team he has assembled gets the job done. Using flow charts, quarterly benchmarks, and Excel spreadsheets the organization at the North Pole runs with peak efficiency.

Therefore, the day before Christmas Santa is relaxed, calm and can go about the day in his normal routine which includes a lengthy afternoon nap followed by a nice meal and time left over to watch one of the college football bowl games. The only thing remaining for him and the elves to do before midnight is to handle the few last-minute Christmas letters that dribble in.

Here is a sampling of some of these letters. While small in number, these tend to be harder to fill. The requests can rarely be wrapped and placed under a tree. These are the sort of Christmas wishes Dickens wrote about or that are made into a Lifetime Christmas movie special. Here’s the first letter:

Dear Santa,
    Roger here. Remember? From Texas. The last time I wrote to you was in 1969, which was, let’s see, it’s 2007 now, so um, at least 20 years ago. Back then I asked for a baseball glove and ball and an arm like Nolan Ryan’s. Thank you, you might have heard but they worked out great.
     The problem, Santa, is that a few years ago the arm wasn’t so great anymore. And although I plan to deny it to my dying day, I took something to help. Now a lot of people are upset. They say I cheated. Some think I might not get into the Hall of Fame because of it. That can’t happen! You see, for years I’ve been practicing my smile for my Hall-of-Fame plaque portrait. I don’t want my face to look goofy on it, the way Ty Cobb’s does.
    What I would really, really like for Christmas, Santa, is a Do Over. I saw this in a movie once; I think Jennifer Love Hewitt was in it. I want to go back to the day when I first took the stuff and not do it. I’ll retire, instead. My wife did the math and it turns out I’d already be in the Hall. I wouldn’t have to practice my Hall of Fame face anymore! Maybe I don’t have to anyway (sigh).
     Thanks in advance Santa, your pal, the Rocket

A touching request. Here’s another:

Dear Mr. Santa Claus:
    (I’m Mitt Romney and I approve this Santa letter.)
     I’m running for the President of the United States. I would like your vote, but more importantly, I would like your help with one matter in particular. I mention in my ads that I cut taxes as governor. That’s true, sort of. My Christmas wish is that no one figures out that I actually caused taxes to go up. One way I cut the state budget was by giving less money to towns and cities. In most cases those communities were forced to cut services AND raise property taxes. You see the problem? I’m responsible for a tax increase. And I’m a Republican! How do I explain that? I appreciate your support and discretion.
    Sincerely, Mitt Romney in 2008

And we have time for one last Santa letter:

Dear Santa,
     All I want for Christmas is world peace, an end to global warming, and to let everyone know that a size 2 is not fat!
     I know you will understand.
    Merry Christmas, your friend, Jennifer Love Hewitt

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