Researches now believe our inability to stop eating is tied to a hormone that makes food look extremely appetizing to us. This naturally occurring hormone, produced in our body whenever we are hungry, is called ghrelin, (pronounced: Szczerbiak).

Almost immediately Roger Clemens, through his attorney Rusty “I Get Paid Either Way” Hardin, issued a statement denying the former major league baseball pitcher has ever taken ghrelin, or talked about it, or thought about it, or had dreams about it. Clemens added that he was also very sorry and issued an apology to his family, the fans, and the waitress from the other night who tried taking his plate of ribs away before he had finished gnawing off the remaining gristle.

The news media has labeled ghrelin the “Mmmmm” hormone. That’s because when we’re hungry, ghrelin is released into our system causing us to have the sort of experience depicted in old cartoons from the 1930s and 40s of two cartoon people being stranded on a deserted island. At some point one of the cartoon castaways always imagines the other as a T-bone steak or an ice cream sundae. This is the ghrelin talking.

What didn’t make any sense in those cartoons was why the castaways’ clothes always frayed in exactly the same manner, specifically their pants legs being tattered half way up the shin. I always had my suspicions about this. I could understand where there would be some tattering at the cuff, or maybe the castaway would tear the fabric above the knee to make shorts, but eight or nine inches off the bottom? It’s almost as if the cartoon character was thinking, “Hey, I’ve always wondered what wearing Capri pants would be like, and seeing how I am on a deserted island with no women around, and a two dimensional drawing, this would be an opportune time to try it.”

Closer to home, ghrelin helps explain a common phenomenon we have all experienced at one time or another. You are on your way home and hungry but must first stop at the store to pick up milk. As you walk down the snack food aisle heading to the milk case, which is strategically located as far from the front door as physically possible (some stores are now placing their milk case in the employee’s break lounge), you swear the entire section of individually-packaged snack food items is flirting with you.

“Buy us, buy us,” the Twinkies and Sno Balls seem to be saying. And the more ghrelin you have in your system, the easier it is to convince yourselves that scarffing down eight Ho Hos on the short ride home would be a sound dietary decision.

From the stranded-island cartoons we know that ghrelin has been present in humans at least as far back in our evolutionary history as 70 years ago. Before humans developed the ability to use their opposable thumbs to text message.

These cartoons also tell us that the writers then had a lot of personal issues to work through, especially concerning gender identity. Honestly, how many times can Bugs Bunny appear in drag before it’s no longer funny and just weird?

Obviously, ghrelin is an important evolutionary adaptation for humans. My guess is that it’s found in other animals as well, such as dogs, who probably ooze the hormone through their fur follicles. I have seen otherwise healthy, well-fed dogs try to eat rocks. How much ghrelin do you suppose it takes to make rocks look tasty? If someone analyzed dog saliva I bet they would find that it’s 96 percent ghrelin and four percent drool.

The problem with ghrelin is that when food is abundant we still overeat. That’s because it affects the same part of our brain that addictive drugs do, making us want more. The good news is that this means overeating is technically not our fault. We are addicted to food and therefore not responsible.

The bad news is that the food Nazis are already plotting how to use this information about ghrelin to take away our God-given right to junk food. And remember America: when Ho Hos are outlawed, only outlaws will be eating Ho Hos.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m getting a little hungry.

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