This is the way coaches in professional basketball manage the clock these days, by saving until the end of the game all their timeouts from the previous three seasons. Typically, with 2.4893 seconds remaining and down by eight, a team will use: three regular timeouts; two 20-second timeouts; a half-dozen 10-second timeouts; three “Wait I need to tie my shoe” timeouts; four “Do over, I wasn’t ready” timeouts; and a 30-minute lunch break.

That is why nine of my top ten great 2008 NBA playoff moments so far involve car commercials.

During the first two series against the Atlanta Hawks and Cleveland Cavaliers I did manage to catch 1.4208 seconds of actual basketball being played. I admit I haven’t kept up closely with the team recently, so this might seem like a silly question, but whatever happened to Larry Bird? And didn’t they have two other half decent guys, Kevin McHale and Robert Parish? Were they traded or something?

I’m just kidding. I know that the Big Three - as they were called because a) there were three of them, and b) they were big - retired a long time ago and are now residing together in an assisted-living facility in Boca Raton, Florida where they dominate the nursing home shuffle board circuit.

Today’s Celtics include Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, and Rajon Rondo, led by coach Doc “Doc” Rivers. The team also has a rookie who goes by the extremely non-intimidating nickname of “Big Baby.”

I’m no expert on professional basketball player nicknames, but wouldn’t you want one that’s more menacing? Here are a few suggestions to try out during the next game against Detroit: “Big Not-a-Baby,” “The Decapitator,” “Big Baby - Serial Killer,” “Widow Maker,” and my favorite (honestly, if he doesn’t take it somebody should snatch this one up immediately) “The Pandemic.”

How cool would that sound coming from the announcers? “The Celts are going to their bench, they’re bringing in The Pandemic. Detroit calls a 15-second costume change timeout so they can put on their SARS masks.”

Home court advantage is another thing that has changed in professional basketball since the days when most players attempted free throw shots underhand by holding the ball with two hands and swinging it between their legs.

In the first two series, Boston could not win on the road in either Atlanta or Cleveland. In that first series, Boston lost in Atlanta by an average of just under 6 points a game, yet at home dominated the games as follows: Game 1, Boston 104, Atlanta 81; Game 2, Boston 96, Atlanta Men’s Over 40 League 77; Game 5, Boston 110, Atlanta High School Debate Team 85, and the deciding Game 7, Boston 99, Atlanta Kiwanis All-Stars and Dixieland Band 65.

So what is it about playing on the road that is so difficult in the NBA, especially during the playoffs? To understand, let’s start by examining those things that are the same in each venue. For example, the court dimensions and basketball hoop height are identical; all NBA arenas are indoors; each has a sound system capable of reaching magnitude 58 on the Richter scale; the fans sit so close to the action that they need to shower after the game to get rid of players’ sweat; and each arena features a gigantic scoreboard the size of a small planet that hangs over the court and could come crashing down at any moment resulting in another timeout.

Now let’s look at what’s different, which might help to explain why players from the visiting team have such a difficult time adjusting on the road: The player’s name is not on his locker in the visitor’s locker room.

As you can imagine, this is the sort of disadvantage that clearly favors the home team. How the Celts respond to the challenge during the remainder of the playoffs will determine whether or not they win another championship. They need to figure it out. I suggest calling a timeout.

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