The names mentioned above are only a small sampling of the celeborons that have been in the news recently for getting into trouble, acting embarrassingly, or going in and out of rehab the way regular people go in and out of a Starbucks.

Although, have you noticed their rehab stays almost never help? There are two professions that one can be successful at without actually succeeding: television weatherperson and celebrity rehab center operator. Hope you kids out there considering a career are taking notes.

So what do we do? Should we sit back and ignore the issue hoping someone else takes care of the problem the way we normally do? Should we watch the reports of celebrity screw-ups on television and chuckle every time with a smug sense of superiority? Or should we demand, as we should have decades ago, that the federal government install GPS trackers on all celebrity automobiles so that innocent people can be alerted via their navigation systems when a celeboron is on the road.

DRIVER’S NAVIGATION SYSTEM: “Paris Hilton three blocks straight ahead. Turn right immediately. I’m not kidding, turn right. I mean now, you idiot. AS YOUR CAR’S NAVIGATION SYSTEM I AM BEGGING YOU, PLEASE TURN RIGHT!”

But does this solve anything, or would a CEWS (Celeboron Early Warning System) merely address a symptom? We need real solutions, and we can’t expect the presidential candidates to provide them. These solutions must come from somewhere else; maybe from an unlikely source; maybe from me.

One solution could be to hold scared straight-style seminars featuring grizzled celebrity party animals such as Nick Nolte, Elizabeth Taylor, or any rock group from the ‘60s or ‘70s. The original scared straight program brought at risk teenagers face-to-face with prison inmates to show what could happen if the teens made bad choices.

Imagine Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton sitting in a stark room on institutional-grade metal chairs with green fabric cushions confronted by a crazed Liza Minnelli. “Look at me, I’m your future,” she might threaten, her eyes bulging wildly. That image alone has me rethinking the few beers I drink on weekends.

Another tactic I thought would work would be to force the celeboron to read the tabloids daily while in rehab. They would also be made to watch E! and TMZ TV every evening to follow the antics of other celeborons. A counselor certified in celebrity rehab care would gently point out to them that their behavior when on the outside was even worse.

I used a similar technique on my sons Kevin and Chris when they were younger. Whenever another child was acting up in a store, throwing a tantrum or whatever, I’d say, “See, that’s what you looked like having a fit in Wal-Mart the other day.”

This method worked well; the vivid image of that child misbehaving and my sons’ realization that they appeared that way to others kept Kevin and Chris fit-throwing free for upwards of 30 seconds at a stretch, which doesn’t sound like much, but as any parent will tell you is a huge accomplishment.

My last solution is to have network television run a series of public service announcements. Usually, a PSA features a celebrity giving advice on some socially important issue, such as global warming or gingivitis. But since the celebrities are the problem here, we need to enlist the help of everyday fans to make the spots. These will be heartfelt pleas to celeborons that they break their cycle of partying, substance abuse, and dancing panty-less in public, especially Nick Nolte.

We might never completely eradicate celeborons, but we can try. And until then, we can at least chuckle smugly at them.

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