"Canada?" you ask. Yes, Canada. The same rogue nation whose national anthem, as you'll clearly see demonstrated by reading the one line of lyrics provided below, has always given the impression that the singer, for a moment, forgot which rogue nation he was singing about: "O (yeah) Canada!"

But maybe you think I mean some other Canada; maybe a Middle Eastern or Central Asian Canada (perhaps, Canadistan) that is a fertile breeding ground for terrorists and National Hockey League players. The Canada you remember from your youth had trees and tundra, and was home to many pleasant people and caribou. It also peacefully shared a border with the US approximately a million miles long, marked by only a giant Magic Marker line drawn during the Eisenhower administration by members of the US Army Corps of Engineers holding a giant Magic Marker out of a low-flying C-40 cargo plane.

Unfortunately, times have changed. We know this by recent events, which point to the troubling conclusion that, sooner or later, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is going to become so agitated during one of his press briefings that he's going to order everyone in the room shot. Luckily for those in the room at the time, this is still America and, legally, Rumsfeld can't do that. But he can invade a nation, and Canada is close by.

Another signal that an attack on Canada is imminent came when President Bush's brother, Jeb Bush, who also happens to be the governor of Florida, visited Canada and said, and I am quoting a CTV (a Canadian television network) report, "We are friends and that's not going to change."

Sending a brother ahead to say nice things before whacking someone is the same old ploy we've seen used a thousand times in those old Godfather movies. For instance, when Al Pacino sends James Caan to tell Diane Keaton that Robert De Niro is, in reality, a young Marlon Brando. That's usually the point in a Godfather movie when I realize that I haven't been able to follow a single plot line since the opening credits. "Who's that guy? And why did he just whack that other guy?" are the sort of questions I keep asking myself during Godfather movies.

But for Canada, the "writing is on the wall." Especially when you "read between the lines" of this next quote from Gov. Bush, taken from a Canadian Press article: "If I was blindfolded and landed in Toronto and didn't have to go through customs, I wouldn't know I was in a foreign country." It's obvious what he meant by this statement: that Canada will be a welcome addition to the United States once we make it an extension of Montana.

Still not convinced that US relations with Canada are deteriorating? Then consider these recent stories in the news:

1) In January, Canadian border officials (near the Magic Marker line) arrested a US man on smuggling charges when they made the shocking discovery that the man was trying to bring undocumented pigeons into Canada by hiding them under his shirt.

2) The United States banned Canadian beef to prevent the unwanted spread of Mad Cow Disease. The US is also considering a ban on curling to prevent the unwanted spread of curling.

3) Canada refused to join in the war with Iraq.

4) A top aide to Prime Minister Jean Chretien called President Bush a "moron." We must stand up and defend our right to be the only ones who can call our president a moron.

5) ABC news anchor Peter Jennings, formerly a Canadian, defected to the US.

But this last development could cause Canadians to attack first: A UN report ranking the best countries in which to live recently dropped Canada to eighth (they were once first), a spot below the US! Uh-oh, here come some really angry Canadians.

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