Refrigerator Copy
Column published the week of December 8,
2008 www.theleeonline.com © 2008, Lee Ostaszewski
|
High Flying Economy |
|
|
By Lee
Ostaszewski We are in the middle of the
ThankChristmaYear season. What is
that, you ask? Why, ThankChristmaYear
is the five week or so long holiday season that begins with the first whiff
of roasting turkey on Thanksgiving morning and ends with us sitting on the
sofa late at night, bleary eyed and slightly disoriented while watching the
last of approximately 83 college football bowl games played on New Years Day. Not that the bowl games are even over
then. College football now continues
well into January and each year seems to go a day or two later. By 2025, they’ll extend to Easter. But I am not going to add my two cents
to the annual college Bowl Championship Series complain-a-thon, even though
it’s obvious to anyone with an IQ above Chad Ocho Cinco’s jersey number that
the BCS could easily set up a playoff system, use the current bowl games as
part of that system, and still have the other current bowl games for the
non-playoff teams. Then, with no need for those notorious
BCS computers that currently rank teams every week using a sophisticated
software program based on rock, paper, scissors, they could sell the
computers on the arms black market to But I’m not going to mention any of
that. Instead, today’s topic is about
the ThankChristmaYear season and how we should approach our holiday shopping
in these tough economic times. My advice to all of you as we face the
holidays mired in a worldwide recession is simple: Spend more money. I take that back, spend a lot more money. Listen, I’m not an economist, but based
on everything I have been hearing about the financial situation lately it
seems that a big part of the problem is that people aren’t buying enough
stuff. If we hope to get out of this
recession, we need to do our part and spend money at a record setting
pace. Even if we don’t have it to
spend. |
Hey, this is no time to
start worrying about minor details.
We’re Americans, by God, now let’s get back out there and shop like
Americans. In the spirit of full disclosure, I
suppose it is only fair to mention that my wife and I have no plans of
increasing our ThankChristmaYear shopping budget from last year. We might even try to cut back a little. After all, there is a recession going
on. But keep in mind,
you don’t want to follow what we do.
People like us are one reason why our nation is in this mess in the
first place. Besides, if I jumped off
a cliff or shot myself in the leg with an illegal handgun in a Of course you wouldn’t. So head to the malls people. You have the power to turn this economy
around. To get you started, consider
purchasing the following winner of the ThankChristmaYear Stupid Gift Idea of
the Season Award. I found it in a
Christmas Tree Shop flyer: Recession
Busting Stupid Gift Idea: Do you know someone who has a hard time getting
up in the morning? Is their boring,
old, ho-hum, everyday, non-flying alarm clock not
doing the job? If so, perhaps they
need an actual Flying Alarm Clock. Apparently, not the whole alarm clock
flies, which is disappointing. From
the picture in the Christmas Tree Shop ad, it appears that only a small,
probably non-lethal, plastic, propeller piece shoots out the top and spins
across the room, gently awakening the person from slumber successfully one
out of every four mornings. The other
three mornings I’m guessing it produces a cardiac arrest type episode. Because whose heart can take waking up to
flying objects spinning across their bedroom? A great companion gift to go with the
Flying Alarm Clock would be a heavy duty contractor’s hammer, so that by
Friday of the first week the recipient can smash the thing into a million
pieces, leaving them to have to purchase yet another alarm clock. And maybe even a new bedside table. And thusly,
the giant, metaphorical wheels of our economy would slowly begin to turn
again. You could be so proud. ■ |