Refrigerator Copy
Column published the week of October 22,
2007 www.theleeonline.com © 2007, Lee Ostaszewski
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Digging the Past |
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By Lee
Ostaszewski Archaeologists unearthed
evidence that humans living along the coast of the Indian Ocean in There was also some evidence that these primitive
people tossed a Frisbee, played Scrabble, and drank mojitos
on the beach, but as the researchers concluded, “That was most likely trash
left behind by Professor Wainwright and his college buddies when they came to
visit one weekend.” The report has me wondering: What will
happen when some future civilization looks back on us? Will future archaeologists dig up remnants
of today’s society 160,000 years from now and conclude that we were modern? With our luck, instead of digging up an iPhone, a plasma television, or a Prius,
they will uncover one of those giant, inflatable lawn decorations and
conclude we were morons. Future humans will be snooty that
way. They will see themselves as far
superior to us. That’s what 160
millennia worth of evolution and technological advances can do to a person. Our lives, as deciphered by the archaeologists,
will seem primitive and filled with superstitions. “They inflated large balloon icons on
their front lawns to ward off evil spirits or to pay religious homage to
their gods,” is what archaeologists of the future will probably conclude in
their NIH-funded studies. How wrong they will be. Those inflatable lawn decorations are not
there to ward off evil spirits or serve some religious purpose. They are there to, um, well I don’t exactly
know why they are there, but I’m darn sure it isn’t for those reasons. By the year 162,007 humans might even transcend
the basic human form, becoming sentient orbs of pure energy. The energy equivalent of a hundred billion,
trillion static electricity shocks – the kind you get touching a doorknob
after walking across carpeting - going off all at once. But |
with a light as bright as
those new car headlights that can sear a retina as if it were a T-bone steak
on a hot grill in seven seconds. In fact, a major complaint among orb
couples of the future will be that one spouse glows too brightly, keeping the
other awake at night. Other complaints
will be that the male orb keeps scorching the furniture, doesn’t put his
dirty laundry in the hamper, and leaves the toilet seat up. If people haven’t become energy orbs by
then, they definitely will communicate primarily through mental telepathy. I base this on the fact that every advanced
civilization featured in a sci-fi flick or on the old television show “The
Twilight Zone” communicated this way. What I never understood is why they
always look so pensive when telepathically communicating. Painfully, so, as if they need a laxative. Here’s a little advice, “Loosen up future
people. Just because you communicate
telepathically, doesn’t mean you must look as though you have a migraine that
could drop an elephant. Be animated,
exhibit facial expressions, use hand gestures. Go ahead, act like a spastic mime having a
seizure, who cares? In a few years
you’re going to become orb people.” As for those living 160,000 years ago,
the study that appeared last week in the scientific journal Nature claims to
have identified three signs of modern life among this ancient culture. Besides cooking seafood and using ground-up
red pigment for makeup, they also found evidence of tiny blade
technology. I’m not sure what tiny
blade technology refers to, but my guess is it has something to do with their
shaving systems. These people were so
primitive they probably still shaved with a twin-blade razor. In the pre-orb future, shaving systems reaching
a million or more blades will be common.
While the shave will be extremely close, there will always be that slight
risk of accidental self decapitation.
Luckily, doctors of the future will be able to fix that easily enough. But there’s one thing neither the distant
past nor the far off future will likely offer. It’s the reason why we are so lucky to live
here in the present. That’s right: Mojitos. ■ |