Refrigerator Copy
Column published the week of October 8,
2007 www.theleeonline.com © 2007, Lee Ostaszewski
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Goodnight, Sleep Tight |
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By Lee
Ostaszewski Remember those television shows from the
1950s and 1960s, when the married couples always seemed to sleep in separate
beds? This was during a more innocent
period in our culture. It was a time when
certain aspects of daily life simply were not talked about on TV, such as
reality. This innocence caused a lot of shows - for
instance I Love Lucy and The Dick Van Dyke Show - to focus instead
on important topics involving soap suds or pies. Meanwhile, we were expected to believe that
normal, married couples slept in side-by-side twin beds, which just so happened
to be the same sleeping arrangement my brother and I shared growing up. Now, five decades later, we learn from
scientists in a soon to be published report in the scientific journal Sleep and Biological Rhythms (look for
it at your grocer’s checkout line, Jennifer Aniston is on this month’s cover),
that women would sleep better with the twin bed arrangement. The study claims that women sleep less
soundly when sharing a bed with a spouse while guys don’t seem to have a
problem because we could fall asleep just about anywhere, including while
lying on top of a fully operating airplane jet engine. Provided, of course, the jet engine was on
the ground and stationary and not in mid-flight. Guys wouldn’t stir the entire night except
to get up once or twice to use the bathroom. The study doesn’t actually mention a jet
engine, but it is true that guys can fall asleep anywhere. If we couldn’t, guys never would have
invented camping. And we never would
have invented hunting and fishing trips, which gives guys even more reason to
go camping. Another thing guys can do is fall asleep
in front of the television set. Women
can do this also, but guys can do it while remaining in a perfectly upright,
sitting position. Eventually, however,
our head will flop back like a Pez dispenser as we
enter the sleep phase known as RSM (Rapid Snoring
Movement). This is usually followed by
a sharp pain in the side caused by the spouse jabbing an |
elbow
between the ribs to wake us up.
Apparently, this is done to inform us we were snoring, which when you
think about it, we didn’t need to know. So for a guy to go into a quiet bedroom
and sleep soundly next to his spouse is not particularly difficult. But according to the study, it is not so
easy for women. The thought is that
women are lighter sleepers because of their traditional child rearing
role. Therefore, they tend to be more attuned
to what is going on. This makes them restless
especially when sharing a bed, although, I don’t know if the study mentions
what size bed. On vacation, Beth and I have at times
slept in a king-sized bed. King refers
to a specific mattress size which has approximately the same dimensions as a
standard helipad. When two spouses get
in from opposite sides of a king-sized bed, it can take a good twenty minutes
of bed scooting to reach each other in the middle to say goodnight. (Bed scooting is the process wherein you
are lying in bed under the covers and try to inch your way over like some
sort of demented, pajama-wearing larva.) At home, Beth and I still have a
full-sized bed. I know what you are
thinking, “You moron. You’re obviously
mistaken; it must be a queen-sized bed because no adult couple in modern day Despite what the study found, Beth
swears she sleeps better when I am there.
One factor could be that while I do snore, at least I don’t thrash about
much when I sleep. At some point at night I end up sleeping
on my back, and once there I never move again. I should qualify that: I don’t know that I move. Whenever I wake up I am usually still on my
back and in the same general location. So my assumption is that I remain fairly
motionless. Which is good news
from a sleeping arrangement standpoint. Besides, if we were in separate beds, Beth
would have to get up out of hers to poke my ribs to let me know I was
snoring. ■ |