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Column published the week of July 14, 2008 www.theleeonline.com © 2008, Lee Ostaszewski

If Guys Planned Weddings

By Lee Ostaszewski It is unclear why anyone would write to me asking for help planning a wedding, so I was surprised when it happened. After all, I belong to that select segment of the population known as guys. Guys have enough trouble planning events they are actually interested in attending, such as a poker night. Not that we aren’t interested in attending weddings, particularly when we are one of the two people getting married, it’s just that we aren’t THAT interested. For example, say a couple receives a wedding invitation in the mail. Many times the woman – before the invitation has even been opened – is already excitedly making elaborate plans to purchase a new dress for the occasion. This occurs without knowing any of the essential facts pertinent to the event, such as if there will be an open bar. For guys, knowing if the wedding reception will or won’t have an open bar is the number one question on our mind when first told we have been invited to a wedding. The next thing we want to know is what they will be serving, specifically we want to know if bacon wrapped scallops are involved. Bacon wrapped scallops make any occasion better. An IRS audit would be less painful if they served bacon wrapped scallops during it. A third piece of information we are curious about is who else will be there that we know. The last thing any guy wants to do is attend a wedding and not know anybody else there other than his wife or girlfriend. That’s like being at an acquaintance’s house for Christmas morning. A good rule of thumb would be to avoid inviting anyone who doesn’t know at least four other invitees. All the other details about the wedding that interest most women - such as the color of the bridesmaids’ dresses, the types of flowers, where the wedding will be held, who the bride and groom are – are merely unimportant trivia to guys who, on the other hand, could name the second-string nose tackle of his favorite college football team. Anyway, the crazy idea of me helping plan a wedding started when I received the following email (below in its

entirety) from a harried bride-to-be, one Terra G., hometown unknown: “Hi! The love of my life and I are planning to get married in May 2009. We are the modern day Brady Bunch. He has four children. He has his two biological children and he has his late wife's two children that he adopted after she passed away. I have one child and we have one together. We have five out of the six living with us full time. They are all planning to be in the wedding. We are trying to plan our wedding, but between both of our full time jobs, baseball, soccer, wrestling, football, softball, and our small wedding budget, we aren't having much luck. In fact, we haven't even finished the guest list. We know we are getting married at his church. The reception isn't known yet. We have an idea about the wedding party along with my wedding dress and bridesmaid dresses. I need HELP!!! Otherwise, I'll put it off and end up trying to plan a wedding two months before the big day.” Well, Terra, I’m glad you wrote. Not only because your wedding will be a big day for you and your family and I know you want everything perfect, but because I didn’t have a column idea yet for this week, so your timing couldn’t have been better. Keep in mind, planning a wedding isn’t about romantic fantasies; it is about the nuts and bolts of the operation. That said, it is important to pause and remember why you are getting married and inviting all these people to share in your special moment in the first place. Exactly. It’s for the presents they will give you. If you come out of this with less than two bread makers, you haven’t done your job. As for actual wedding plan help, let’s start with the basics I’ve already covered: One: Have an open bar, although if you can’t afford it a cash bar is fine, just don’t expect as nice gifts. Two: serve bacon wrapped scallops. Three: Don’t invite people who won’t know other people there. That’s it, the three key essentials to a successful wedding. Everything else is fluff. Oh, one last caveat: Don’t hold your wedding on a day that might conflict with a major sporting event. Guys hate that, too. ■