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Column published the week of June 9, 2008 www.theleeonline.com © 2008, Lee Ostaszewski

A Real Computer Virus

By Lee Ostaszewski About once every couple of months I’ll come across a news item that either a) scares the bejeebers out of me; b) makes me contemplate how much longer the human race can possibly survive; or c) makes me feel really stupid. Well, the other day I came across an article that successfully accomplished all three. To understand what I mean here’s all you need to know: it was a story about genetically altered bacteria solving a complex math problem. Without knowing any more than that, you’ve got to wonder how close the end times are. Because let’s face it, once bacteria become smarter than us we’re done for. The scenario is probably even mentioned in Revelation. I mean it was bad enough when we started hearing about how intelligent dolphins and whales were, but at least they have to stay in the water. Bacteria can go everywhere. And the particular bacterium that solved the math problem was E. coli, which we all know is already extremely good at hiding inside hamburger patties and sneaking into our digestive system where it holds what gastrointestinal specialists commonly describe in medical journals as “a Woodstock-like music festival in our colon.” Partly because of the sneaky E. coli bacteria, all restaurant menus now have an asterisk next to meat dishes explaining that, “While the restaurant management would like nothing more than to serve you a delicious meat-based meal, be aware that undercooked, overcooked, raw, or properly prepared meat can cause serious illness or even death, probably death, so we suggest playing it safe and ordering a bowl of clear broth and a little lime Jell-O on the side. Or better yet, just leave some money on the table and walk out of the restaurant quietly.” Speaking of food, the complex mathematical problem solved by the genetically altered E. coli bacteria is called the “Burnt Pancake Problem.” I am not 100 percent sure I understand how this problem goes, but I’ll try to explain it. Let’s hypothetically say you are cooking pancakes and you keep burning one side while leaving the other side a nice golden brown. Now, even a moderately-intelligent

bacterium, after burning the first set, would be smart enough to realize it should use its tiny bacterium-sized spatula to flip the pancakes over sooner or turn down the heat so as not to keep burning them. Or in common E. coli parlance: “Uh, Duh!” But you and I are not E. coli – heck, we’re not even dolphins - we are a highly evolved organism called humans. And while some humans can understand the inside of an atom and others the far reaches of the Universe, only a rare few of us can keep track of when the next time the paper recycling is supposed to go out to the curb. So it should come as no shock to anyone that most of us would continue to burn the pancakes until we had an entire stack of half-burnt pancakes on a plate. Not only that, but because many of us suffer from OCD and are not properly medicated, we would also decide we should sort these pancakes by size, and make sure the burnt side of each one faces down. Sorting the half burnt pancakes by size and direction and doing so in the least number of moves possible is basically the Burnt Pancake Problem in a nutshell. The article I read said the altered bacteria was able to solve this without even using a calculator or counting on its cilia, if E. coli even has cilia. My only question about the Burnt Pancake Problem is why, if the pancakes are going to be eaten in the next few minutes anyway, do OCD-free E. coli bacteria even care how the pancakes are stacked? They don’t, but bacteria like a challenging logic puzzle (little known fact: Sudoku was invented by a Japanese bacterium) so they eagerly jump in to try to solve it. What scientists realized is that they can harness this natural problem-solving ability, and by having many genetically altered bacteria working together, can create what they describe as a living computer. If this is the future of computers, then maybe it won’t mean the end of time, though it probably does. Still, I have one concern: if I were to use a disinfectant cloth to clean my computer keyboard, would I risk killing off my hard drive? ■