Refrigerator Copy
Column published the week of April 28,
2008 www.theleeonline.com © 2008, Lee Ostaszewski
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You From Around Here? |
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By Lee
Ostaszewski In the past week there have been
sightings reported of strange lights hovering in formation over Why else would space aliens be so
interested in Regardless of their motivation -
conquest of earth or simply getting away from those long, two-year winters of
frozen methane back home - last week’s sightings got earthlings excited. Some residents in For those planning on videotaping
something unusual that will later be shown on newscasts nationwide and posted
on YouTube, one cautionary note: If
family members or a buddy is standing alongside you remember that the
camcorder is also capturing your conversation. In almost every case if you speak you’ll
end up sounding like a moron. I’m not
saying these people are morons, although they might be, only that even
Stephen Hawking would sound moronic commenting while taping what he thought
was an extraterrestrial close encounter. How moronic? For example, one family seemed to be having
a group nervous breakdown screaming and yelling. I counted ten million “omigods”
in the first minute alone, except for the father who is heard offering
normal, fatherly advice such as, “Can you calm down for a second?” and,
“You’re going to have a heart attack, can you calm down?” And when action needed to be taken, the
father knew exactly where to turn for help.
“Get the phone, and call information,” he suggested. Another tape of the mysterious lights I
saw posted on |
YouTube was made by two guys
while they talked with another friend on a cell phone. When the four mysterious lights formed a
diamond shape, one of the guys excitedly blurted, “It’s a complete box, look
at that! It’s a (bleeping) cube.” Later they rationally deduced what they
were witnessing, “A UFO man, all the way, UFO baby. Definitely a UFO.” Then, as the lights flickered off one by
one, this insightful observation was made, “When they shut down you can’t see
them, they’re invisible.” At one point they also lost contact with
their friend on the cell phone and started joking and laughing about how
their friend must have been abducted.
Joking and laughing is a bad omen.
In almost every horror movie there is a scene early on in which two or
more buddies are the first to encounter the movie’s creature, and they laugh
it off and joke around right before one or all of them get eaten by the giant
space lizard or werewolf. As for an explanation as to what these
lights were, they were a hoax. Someone
admitted to tying road flares to helium balloons with fishing line, lighting
the flares and letting them go. This
confession should be enough to convince everyone that extraterrestrial space
lizards are not attacking. Yet. Except that this won’t sway those who
remain convinced that the government has been hiding evidence of space aliens
from the general public for decades.
This includes hiding what they know about the last time mysterious
lights were seen over Of course if the government is hiding
evidence of space aliens, the space aliens are helping out by doing their
best imitation of a frightened little rabbit.
If there are space aliens in our midst, one thing we know for sure is
that they aren’t the type-A, in your face, then eat your face, or melt your
face with a ray gun sort of aliens portrayed by Hollywood. If they exist, real extraterrestrials
are timid and shy. Maybe they need
some coaxing to come out. Or maybe
they’re not here to conquer us, but for another reason entirely: The early
bird special at The Olive Garden. Same
as any other retiree. ■ |