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Your Call Is Important to Us, Not

By Lee Ostaszewski

In the never-ending battle between man and his greatest nemesis – the customer service automated phone answering system – a new chapter is being written. If you would like to read about this new chapter say, “Tell me about this new chapter.” If you would like to read Dear Abby instead say, “Dear Abby, please.” If you would rather that all automated phone systems, and the people who invented them, burn in the fiery flames of hell for all eternity say, “Burn in hell, Satan’s minions.”

As you might have guessed, I am not a fan of automated telephone systems, especially the ones that use voice recognition technology. But I do understand that they are part of the evolution of the automated phone system. A system that dates back to when Alexander Graham Bell first said, “Mr. Watson, come here,” and got Mr. Watson’s voice mail.

Before we can begin any discussion about automated phone systems, it’s important to understand the purpose they serve. I am not talking about companies with phone systems that ask you to enter an extension number or to wait on the line for an operator. I am talking about large, impersonal corporations that use a complex automated phone system as a way to keep customers from ever actually communicating with a live human.

To understand why companies do this, we first need to look at how big corporations work. A company, let’s call it Company A, makes money by selling a product or service. From time to time, however, a customer will have a problem with Company A’s product or service. Obviously, it costs money to fix these problems, and Company A is not in the business of spending money unless it’s for enormous salaries paid to its top executives.

To reduce the costs associated with customer service problems, Company A figured out years ago that the best option would be to not allow the customer a chance to lodge a complaint to begin with. To do this Company A set up an impenetrable phone system that is virtually impossible to crack. The theory behind this tactic is that if the customer can’t make a complaint, then it’s as if the complaint never really existed.

Before the telephone, customer complaints were sent in by letter. When the letters arrived, mailroom personnel

would sort through them and immediately burn the complaints in the furnace.

Once the telephone was invented, customers - many still waiting for their letters to be answered - demanded on calling. To handle these calls, companies began hiring telephone operators whose job it was to answer the phones pleasantly then “accidentally” disconnect the caller.

Then came the first major telephone innovation: the automated phone system. These early systems didn’t do much other than keep the caller on hold, sometimes for weeks at a time, listening to Kenny G. songs, but they did prove effective.

But the automated phone system designers knew they could do better. They eventually came up with the menu system that allowed customers, before being put on hold, to listen to a long list of choices then push the number corresponding to their choice, which by the time the list was done being recited they couldn’t recall and would have to listen to all over again.

Still, the automated phone system people weren’t done yet. They felt they could take it a step further, perhaps reaching the ultimate goal of discouraging customers from ever attempting to contact a customer service agent again. So they came up with the voice recognition system: the most vile system known to man. A recorded voice asks you to say aloud your menu choice. Not only is it annoying, but you feel like a huge doofus doing it.

Just the other day I called my bottled water company in an attempt to change my delivery date. The cunning voice recognition system thwarted my every attempt to talk to a live human being. By the end of the call, I was screaming random voice commands into the phone hoping someone would answer.

Only by going to the company’s website and searching around did I find a different phone number to try. Although the same voice recognition system was used, a serious flaw in the program allowed me to contact, by accident, a customer service agent.

I’m sure heads will roll once word reaches the uppermost levels of the company that a customer defeated the system and talked to a real person. I shudder to think what they’ll come up with next; maybe a phone system with electroshock capability. ■