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Column published the week of March 30, 2009 www.theleeonline.com © 2009, Lee Ostaszewski

Call It a Scare-Cation

By Lee Ostaszewski There are two important questions to ask when picking your next vacation spot: 1) Will my family have a good time there? and 2) What are the chances I might be killed by a giant, man-eating lizard? Until a few days ago, I naively considered only the first point when making vacation plans. I figured having fun was all that mattered. Rarely did I ask the important questions, such as: Are there man-eating dragon lizards where we are staying? Granted, the chances that your family will encounter a man-eating dragon lizard while on vacation are still comparatively low. I put the odds roughly between Rush Limbaugh voting for President Obama in 2012 and after a night on the town someone allowing Lindsay Lohan to drive everyone home from a nightclub. Unlikely, yes, but not out of the question. I say it is a very real possibility because according to a shocking news story I read the other day, killer lizards are out there. Luckily, they are found primarily on a small group of Indonesian islands and nowhere close to where every American spends some, if not most, of their vacation days: Disney World. If Disney World was ever overrun by man-eating lizards, Disney executives would simply figure out some way to incorporate them into the Disney family of colorful characters that already includes a giant talking mouse, a duck dressed in sailor attire, assorted pirates, genies and princesses, and Drew Carey. Let’s face it, put a shirt and a bowtie on any wild animal or former sitcom star and it appears less threatening. The man-eating lizards I read about are the famed Komodo dragons. According to the CNN story, they can grow to be 10 feet long, have sharp deadly claws, are carnivorous, and “have a toxic bite that can kill its prey such as buffalo.” What? They kill buffalo? Granted, man-eating lizard sounds impressive, but honestly, in the animal kingdom killing a human is not a high bar to cross. A moderately motivated kitten could take down most middle-aged guys. But killing a buffalo is an accomplishment. Most of us would have trouble doing it even if we used a Dodge Ram pickup truck and drove directly into one.

Anyway, the very sad story I read was about an Indonesian fisherman who was trespassing on the remote island of Loh Sriaya, part of the Komodo National Park, when he was attacked by the dragons. He later died from his injuries. Unfortunately, this is not an isolated case. In the same article it stated that last June a group of divers stranded on one of the park islands had to fend off numerous dragon attacks before being rescued. And there was another incident involving “a Swiss tourist who vanished leaving nothing but a pair of spectacles and a camera after an encounter with the dragons.” All of this is more than enough to convince me to take extra precautions when planning our next vacation, just in case Komodo dragons might be lurking about our destination. Sure, we are told that the Komodo dragon only lives on certain remote Indonesian islands, but all it takes is one orphaned boy with a big heart to befriend a baby dragon and take it back home to raise it in a shoe box before what we have on our hands is a blockbuster animated Disney feature with an Emmy Award-winning soundtrack and a new Disney World ride: Lizard Island. Yet, as if man-eating lizards were not bad enough, I was just made aware of another terrifying and gruesome situation that one could accidentally stumble across while on vacation. It is called a Nakation. Vacations for nudists. Like the Komodo dragons, most nudists are confined safely away from the public in highly restricted, remote areas, but with better plumbing. One nudist resort, according to the article I read, “offers a range of recreational activities, including biking, a lakeside beach and a small golf course.” Then it struck me: Biking? Is this like how at clothing-required resorts I have been to, you rent a bike that SOMEONE ELSE RECENTLY SAT ON? But in my case that someone else had at minimum one layer of clothing between them and the bike seat. No thanks. Given the choice, when it comes to planning a family vacation I’d take my chances with the Komodo dragons over a naked-rider shared bike seat any day. ■