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Column published the week of March 23, 2009 www.theleeonline.com © 2009, Lee Ostaszewski

Economy Stripped Bare

By Lee Ostaszewski We just knew that if the worldwide economic crisis continued to spiral downward, then it would eventually lead to something this drastic: the other day an Italian porn star entered the stock exchange in Milan, stood on a table, and stripped down to only her panties and a painted on Italian flag. Then she shouted, “Italy is down to its underpants.” I can only assume this sounded much sexier when she said it in Italian. I also assume it made some sort of sense. Perhaps the Italian public, upon learning from breaking news reports throughout the day that this had occurred, turned to one another on the street and said, “Yes, she makes an excellent point. We need to put pants and a shirt on our nation. Maybe a hat, too, and some nice shoes.” Here in the more sexually repressed United States I don’t think a stripper would bring about the desired outcome. After hearing what occurred in Italy, my fear now is that stock traders in New York are going to allow the economy to tank a little longer hoping an American porn star will strip nude right there on the New York Stock Exchange floor. Historians now believe this is what led to the Crash of 1929. After her arrest, the porn star, 22-year-old Laura Perego, is quoted in the Reuters news story as saying, “I want to send a message to all those who have so badly managed people’s savings.” And that message would be what, exactly? “Thanks”? She also hinted that she has more demonstrations planned, so I think we can safely predict that Italy will be the last nation to recover from the recession. If it ever does. But amazingly, a politically active porn star is not the only economically-related sex industry story coming out of Europe recently. In another breaking news story, we learn that the sex toy industry in France is experiencing trouble. This was according to reports from Paris during a sex toy convention called the “Big Eropolis.” (Which I have to believe sounds much sexier when spoken in French.) (Let’s face it; describing a waste water treatment facility would sound much sexier spoken in French.)

Some retailers at the convention are reporting sales down by as much as 30 percent from last year. The organizer of the event said, “We are hit by the financial crisis. We are not in the car industry either, so we haven’t seen a drop (in sales) of 50 percent, but the financial crisis has hit us.” Two important points can be taken from his statement: 1) The economic downturn has greatly affected all industries across the board, and 2) The people making sex toys are not also making cars. This second point should be a huge relief for Detroit, which has enough competition from Japan and Germany. Who wants to worry about an emerging French auto/sex toy industry, also? How much would Detroit have to worry if this were to happen? Remember what took place when the auto industry was briefly crossed with the processed luncheon meat industry and came up with the classic Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. Now substitute luncheon meat industry with sex toy industry and do the math. Yikes! Right? Closer to home the economic news is not all gloomy. Jobs in the food services/remove-your-clothes-and-dance industry are apparently still available. Over the weekend in Rhode Island, a state with an unemployment rate of more than 10 percent, a job fair was being held at a strip club looking to fill some 30 positions. It is unclear if any stimulus funds are involved here. Or, for that matter, money from the federal government. The strip club is looking to fill many different jobs, some that even allow you to keep your pants on. As the strip club’s co-owner explained in the story I read, “I need more managers, I need more competent staff, and I need more attractive waitresses to go along with the ones I have right now.” Isn’t that the trifecta of any successful job candidate/strip tease artist: to be attractive, competent and have strong managerial skills? And if strippers are employed, maybe they’ll stay off the New York Stock Exchange floor. ■