Refrigerator Copy
Column published the week of March 17,
2008 www.theleeonline.com © 2008, Lee Ostaszewski
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Naming Rights |
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By Lee
Ostaszewski Oceanus?
For a child’s name? You’re
probably wondering which whacked out celebrity named their kid that. Probably Gwyneth Paltrow,
right? After all, she named her
daughter Apple. As in the computer
company. “Apple Gigabyte Paltrow, did you make this mess?” Even celebrity parents use their child’s
full name when the child is in trouble. I always get a kick out of the names of
Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s three girls. They are Rumer,
Scout, and Tallulah Belle.
Really. I keep thinking, are these the names of children or an Iditarod dog sled
team? The poor girls have enough to
overcome being the daughters of two popular movie stars and having Ashton Kutcher as their step dad. They didn’t need any more material to bring
up in therapy. Unusual first names came up again when I
saw a news story the other day about baby names. A website called BabyCenter
that markets itself as a resource for expectant moms (what do you suppose
they are expecting?) conducted a survey on what parents are thinking when
they pick a name for their child. By some of the bizarre names out there,
apparently many are thinking they’re naming a pet gerbil or goldfish or some
other creature that couldn’t care less what sounds you make when addressing
it. On the TV news story about the
survey, they interviewed one family who gave their child this really long
name that I can’t begin to recall now.
I do remember, however, when they flashed it on the screen it was full
of z’s, x’s, and y’s. It looked
less like a child’s name and more like the name of a chemical compound found
in a prescription pain medication. I told my wife, Beth, that if these people
really wanted to be creative in the naming department, they should work for a
pharmaceutical company coming up with drug names such as Xenical
and Zyrtec.
Imagine what might happen if one of these drug naming people married a
celebrity: “Xenical Zyrtec Paltrow, did you make
this mess?” Granted, my family has the world’s most
generic names imaginable: Lee, Beth, Kevin and Christopher. |
Snoozeville,
right? But we do have the zany Polish
last name going for us, with random letters and all. That brings the level of difficulty up
several notches. For full disclosure, however, I should
mention that my mom and sister shared the same first name, Vega. And I have a nephew who was named after an
architectural term. At least that is
how my brother explained it. No, his
name is not Cantilever or Buttress (“Cantilever Buttress Paltrow,
did you make this mess?”). It is Arris, which is actually a pretty cool sounding
name. In case you were putting two and
two together, however, my brother changed his last name a long time ago, so
my nephew IS NOT Arris Ostaszewski. Although, that’d have been awesome. The funny thing about names is that once
you give someone a name, it fits perfectly.
It’s weird. This helps explain
why in the survey only three percent of the parents regretted the name they
chose for their child. Within minutes
of being born that little person magically becomes Scout or Apple or Arris. So much so
you can’t imagine them being called anything else. As for the celebrity who named their kid
Oceanus, I misled you. It wasn’t a
celebrity at all. Instead, it was one
of the Pilgrims on the Mayflower.
Oceanus was born, literally, in the middle of the Another boy, named Peregrine, was born
on the Mayflower while it was anchored at But b.o.
wasn’t the Pilgrims’ excuse, because I found a couple of websites with the
Mayflower’s passenger list and here are some of the other first names found
onboard: Humility, Resolved, Love, and
Wrestling. As a society, we Americans
have been naming our children unusual things from before day one. Therefore, all of you celebrities who
think you’re being really hip, cool, trendy and with it, let me tell you
something: Giving your offspring an
unusual or unique name is just so four centuries ago. ■ |