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Column published the week of February 2, 2009 www.theleeonline.com © 2009, Lee Ostaszewski

Keep Spending, Rich People

By Lee Ostaszewski The down turn in our economy is hitting everybody hard. I just read an article that said rich people in places like Beverly Hills are even feeling it. The article stated that shoppers on fancy Rodeo Drive are now coming into those stores and buying only one jacket, whereas before they would buy six. When will the suffering end? Not only are they buying less, these Rodeo Drive shoppers are embarrassed about what they are buying. One person had an expensive handbag gift wrapped and sent to the house to make it look to family members as if it were a present. Other customers want items placed in plain white shopping bags so no one knows what expensive store they just bought from. Listen to me rich, embarrassed people, I have an idea. On your next shopping trip, bring some Wal-Mart bags along and have the clerks put your designer stuff in them. You can get Wal-Mart bags from your domestic help. They will have extra ones at their home. I guarantee they do. The bags are shoved in a kitchen drawer or stashed under the sink. Don’t bother asking me how I know this, or why anyone would keep old Wal-Mart bags, you wouldn’t understand anyway. Granted, this tactic might go too far. If you walk around Rodeo Drive carrying Wal-Mart bags, you might be mistaken for a homeless person carrying all your possessions. So maybe you should stick to the plain white bags after all. Normally, I don’t care how rich people spend their money. If someone thinks they need to buy only one jacket instead of six, who am I to judge? But these are not normal times. We are in a serious economic situation that isn’t going to be fixed if crazy rich people - one of the main engines of our economy – stop spending tons and tons of money. The more money rich people spend, even for ridiculously stupid reasons, the better it is for our nation. That’s basic Economics 101 (Lesson 3: Whatever happens, make sure crazy rich people keep buying stuff). So I implore all rich people out there to shop. Even if the stores are closed. Call someone. In Beverly Hills

dialing 9-1-1 should do it. Cops there would feel it’s their sworn duty to track down the store managers and force them to reopen. Going on your wacky shopping sprees are no longer simply a personal choice; it’s an obligation. No longer is it a reflex, like breathing; it’s your patriotic duty. Unless, of course, you’re that former Merrill Lynch CEO, John Thain. You’ll recall he was brought in last year to save the company from ruin and immediately rolled up his sleeves and got to work spending $1.2 million renovating his office. He is the sort of crazy investment firm CEO that gives everyday, normal crazy rich people a bad name. There is a list of his office renovation purchases on a website called The Daily Beast. These include the usual $80,000 rugs and $15,000 sofas. But the one item that stood out the most to me was a “parchment waste can” for $1,400. A waste can! For $1,400! A waste can has a simple and easily accomplished function: It holds waste. I checked online and can get a round, steel, waste basket for $14. From the picture it looks like the standard waste can found in every school classroom and office cubicle over the past 50 years. But you might be thinking: “Wait a minute, does this inexpensive waste basket meet federal specifications for fire hazard and flammability prevention?” Good question. And yes, it does. I’m guessing a parchment waste can, which costs 1,000 times more, and by definition is made out of parchment, doesn’t. Now, I’m not saying that a CEO has to limit himself to a $14 waste basket in his office. But a $1,400 one is not necessary, either. I’m guessing the trash can that was left behind by the previous Merrill Lynch CEO still worked fine. But that kind of backward, frugal thinking is not going to get our economy moving again. So, crazy rich people, ignore me and immediately go buy more stuff. Without embarrassment. Even if you must call the police to have someone reopen a store. It’s OK. A grateful nation is counting on you. ■