Here is a sampling of the headlines I found on Yahoo.com when I searched for news stories on a medical study recently published. “Study: Vicks VapoRub May Cause Respiratory Distress,” “Vicks VapoRub Dangerous for Youngsters, Study Finds,” “Fed Chairman: Vicks VapoRub Caused Recession,” and “Newark Police Implicate Vicks VapoRub in 2002 Gangland Murder.”

With the bad press it has been receiving lately, you would think Vicks VapoRub was salmonella-laced peanut butter or another lead painted toy from China.

It’s a shame really because I, for one, am totally addicted to the stuff.

Not to oversell it, but Vicks VapoRub is a miracle ointment. Sure, my mom would put it on me when I was a kid, but I didn’t appreciate it then. Parents back in those days were always putting some weird smelling mysterious gunk on us kids. When we had a sunburn, it was Noxzema. When our hair stuck up in gravity-defying shapes as if a piece of modern sculpture, they used something called Dippity-Do to forcefully hold it down in place. When we cut ourselves, they put mercurochrome on the wound. Actually, mercurochrome didn’t smell, but it stung like crazy, although my parents always swore it wouldn’t hurt.

So when we had a cold, we didn’t think anything of having Vicks VapoRub slopped on us. In fact, my opinion about the recent study is that if VapoRub really is so dangerous, then the way my mom slobbered it on us children, my siblings and I should have been dead long before any of us reached middle school.

I rediscovered Vicks with my own children. Vicks VapoRub is a standard part of the Parental Survival Kit, which includes children’s Tylenol, Band-aids with Sesame Street characters on them, and a worn paperback copy of Dr. Spock’s baby book.

Still, whenever I had a cold, I suffered with a stuffy nose going to bed. My air passages would be fine so long as I was upright, but the minute I laid down a snot traffic jam would occur in my nose. I hated it. Then one night the Vicks seemed to call out to me, “I know you are an adult, and male, and using Vicks VapoRub might seem like one of the wimpiest things a guy can do, outside of using a salon-tested conditioner for your hair, but this will allow you to breath easier.”

Late at night, Vicks VapoRub can get very chatty.

So I tried it. And everything it said was true, I could breathe easier, even lying down, without the feeling that someone was plugging my nostrils with their thumbs.

Yes, there are drawbacks. One big drawback being that my wife, Beth, hates when I use it because I smell like a giant blossom from a mentholated eucalyptus tree. I bet I would be very popular with koala bears, however.

But now we hear that Vicks VapoRub might be dangerous, at least if you’re a ferret. That’s according to a recent paper published in the medical journal “Chest” (not to be confused with what I imagine is a gentleman’s magazine called “Chest,” which I would guess if it actually exists would have pictures of scantly-clad, leather-wearing biker mamas on the front cover).

You read it correctly; they used ferrets in the study. Dr. Bruce Rubin of Wake Forest University conducted the research and concluded two things: in rare cases children under two years old can be adversely affected by Vicks VapoRub, and ferrets really, really hate it when you try to rub Vicks VapoRub on them.

Just kidding, the ferrets were put under for the experiment, which is why Dr. Rubin still has all ten of his fingers. He did find that the ferrets using Vicks VapoRub had increased mucus production, which in small children could block their tiny airways. Well, their own mucus would, the ferrets' mucus would barely affect the child. Also, the ferrets had decreased ciliary beat frequency. I have no idea what ciliary is, but even I’m worried if it’s beating less frequently.

The good news is the ferrets reported feeling less stuffed up and were able to finally get a comfortable night’s sleep.

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