THE DUMPER

This page is devoted to, what seem to be, outrageous, "off the wall", funny or misguided strategies to obtain job security. The people who use these strategies believe that they work and therefore they feel pretty secure in their jobs. But there probably is some other factor, which they fail to consider, why their job is secure. For instance, consider the following stories submitted by readers.

MACHO MAN'S TALE

I am in my mid thirties and I am employed as the only LAN administrator (and UNIX expert) at a small company in southern CA. I have survived a couple of layoffs and my secret is that my boss is a single (divorced) gal in her early forties and I am a bodybuilder. I always wear short sleeve shirts with the collar open to show off my heavy gold chain (it looks good on my hairy chest) and I maintain my tan. She hasn't told me this but I am sure that she keeps my around so that she can ogle my bulging biceps and "buns of steel".

What really convinced me was, in the last layoff, a skinny, nerdy guy who worked with me got "laid off" but I didn't (he didn't know UNIX too well either). Well, I'm off to the spa for a workout.

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AMY'S AURA

Hi, I am a senior accountant at a well known cosmetics company in Southern CA. I have been here for the last ten years and have successfully "hung on' during some turbulent times. As a single mother with two kids in High School and heading for College, I really need the job.

I have found that having a positive aura really helps, even on the job. I have been into this for a few years now. The positive vibes that the aura sends out effect everyone that I work with. I especially focus its energy on my boss. I have also found that Channeling helps to unblock my positive energies. In addition, I decorate my cubicle with lucky charms and signs. I would really like to burn some incense (to heighten the effect) but the company has a strict no smoking policy.

How do I know that this really works? Well, one year ago the company was acquired by a much larger one and we underwent some serious reorganization and personnel surplus reduction. Due to our charmed state, my boss and I both survived. In addition, I consistently get good performance reviews and raises since I am the only accountant here who really understands the mySAP Financials system R/3 accounting software.

Please send me an Email if you would like some more detailed info (books, web sites, newsgroups, etc.). I can even make some recommendations; for hand-on healing and personal transformation there is the Barbara Brennan School Of Healing. Her "Healing Science" (also called ""Hands of Light Healing") is a spiritual healing system that facilitates the "Divine Plan of Human and Universal Evolution". Someone to consult with on Channeling is the, Reverend Rose St. Hilaire. The Reverend is an Interfaith Minister and Spiritual Counselor who does Channeled Readings (60-90 minutes $50.00) and Phone Consultations (by appointment for $1.00 per minute).

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ASTRO AL'S COMMENTS

I just read Amy's earnest account of how her positive aura has been a key factor in ensuring her job security over the last ten years. But I cannot agree that an aura has that powerful an effect because I have found that the "STARS" exert much more influence on you life, job security and career included. The ancient art of Astrology has help me immeasurably in my career.

I am Director of Human Resources for a Fortune 500 company. During my 12 years here I have used Astrology to guide me through every important career decision I have made. I always investigate the Astrological signs of my bosses and my staff. I arrange important meetings to coincide with the best possible conjunction of the stars for all concerned. My Horoscope guides me to be best possible action in every "on the job" decision I have to make. And, as you know, us vital workers in HR are continually faced with "make or break" corporate dilemmas where we have to step in and do what is "right" for the company while keeping the employees welfare in mind.

I recommend (I would like to include it in the employee manual, but the company is not ready for it yet) that everyone get a Professional Profile from AstroCom.com. You get your own personalized profile which will help you feel like a KING on the job. In addition, it will pinpoint your special talents, describe the work for which you are best suited, reveal major career focus areas, identify occupational challenges and tell you how to overcome them. What more could you ask for in your search for job security.

The Professional Profile even helps me get along with my Father In Law. He is CEO of the company and a difficult and demanding person. He is the one who blocked putting the above info in the company manual. But the Stars say that next December 7, would be a good time to bring that up again.

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HYPNO HARRY'S STRATEGY

For me there is only one true road to success in my job (and its attendant job security) and that is the path realized through the application of Hypnosis, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and Time Line Therapy^TM.

I am the Marketing Manager for a leading consumers goods company. It is vital for my company to constantly create new and original products. I am noted in the industry for my ability to originate new product concepts. To accomplish this I have to become "as one" with the minds of the consumers who buy our products. Only then can I do the really good ideas come to me. After I create the new product concepts they have to be "sold" to the other members of the corporate management team. Doing this can be quite a challenge, especially with Engineering. They are so negative about anything new. Their typical responses are: "it will be to expensive to develop" and/or "it is impossible to design the product which I have proposed". According to them it will take so long to develop the product that it will miss "the window of opportunity" in the market. I need all of the resources that I can muster to "sell" them the concepts.

How do I do it you ask! For years now I have been using the tools of NLP to duplicate (in myself) the creative mental processes of known very creative people. While using NLP I have also applied the Time Line Therapy to work on my unconscious and release the effects of past negative experiences and change "inappropriate" mental programming very quickly.

First I use self hypnosis to put myself into a mild trance. This altered state of consciousness enables my mind to become suggestible. This allows the creative part of the brain to play with suggested images (partially thought out new product concepts) and stimulates changes to these concepts. Then I apply NLP and I can visualize complete new products. My staffers are usually speechless when they finally fully realize the impact that these new products will have on our sales.

Some of the "nay-sayers" want to subject my ideas to a ZMET (Zaltman Metaphor Elicitation Technique) analysis but I know that it is not necessary, and it costs too much.

Now that I have "outed" my secret, feel free to pass it on to whomever you think it may help. I had to spend many years developing this technique but now someone can take it and run with it and achieve success (and Job Security) in just a few weeks.

Got to run now, I have a dinner date with Bruce (V P marketing) in an hour then we will probably go out to Bull-Dogs. Good luck with Hypnosis.

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