The Mighty Warriors' Journey to Meridies

It came to pass in ancient days that there was war between the Middle Kingdom and the Meridies, and on the second encounter with the Meridies an expeditionary force was launched from The Canton of Three Hills which included Christophe Malvosion, Gustavus Seevogul, Thaddeus the Brown, young Aerdigwidder von Zauberberg, and Bahadur Nariakira Shimazu of Satsuma Han. Bahadur was a mighty man who could out smoke, out drink, and out fight any ten normal men, that is if the fog around him lifted long enough to find ten normal men there, and he was the expeditionary leader for he was the one who provided the transportation for the force in the form of his lady's beast--a Volkswagon Rabbit.

And so it was seen that the day came for the force to leave for the Meridies, and the beast to be laden with it's mighty burden, and to that end did Thaddeus provide what is known in the speech of the mundane as a "car top carrier" to be used to hold the camping and fighting gear of five mighty warriors. All the world knows that the Rabbit is a mighty beast, strong as any dragon, but it is yet small in size, and so it was seen that the prodigious amount of equipment it carried, as well as the five mighty warriors who rode it, weighed well as much as did the Rabbit itself, which did strain valiantly under the burden. Young Aerdigwidder, looking over the load, had a clouded brow. "Maybe we should tie it off to the front and back bumper," he was heard to say to which the mighty Bahadur replied, "No, it'll be fine. It has DOUBLE suction cups!" And so the mighty party with valiant hearts, though some with trepidation and a sense of foreboding, did set off on their journey.

Their clever plan of approach would confound the enemy, for they did decide to go to Memphis, which lay on the mightiest of rivers to the west of them, by first travelling east, then south through the lands of the Flame and the mountains of Tennessee, before turning at last to the west from Nashville. In this way the enemy, who would have probably expected them to travel west to the river, crossing at Cairo, and follow the floodplain south along the easier and faster route, would be confused and outflanked.

As they did travel, and yet only a short distance from their home, Christophe did look up toward the sky and in doing so did think him that he saw some movement of the load above his head. Why indeed, it did move, and in doing so shifted ever further backwards and off the Rabbit's back. "Uh, Baha," he did say, "I think that maybe we better pull over at the rest stop." and so did they pause in their travel and survey their load. The load had indeed shifted and now was near half off the top of the Rabbit, straining against the lashings in a search for freedom from restraint, the DOUBLE suction cups unable to hold it.

"Um, maybe we should tie it to the front and back bumper," Bahadur was heard to say, and so it was done and the expedition proceeded.

Now as the group turned southward Bahadur did declare that his turn as the Rabbit driver had come to an end and Gustavus did replace him. Now Gustavus was a stalwart fellow and feared of no thing, save one. Gustavus did have the fear of crossing running water over a bridge. Indeed, the plan of their travel would carry them over the River Ohio as they entered the lands of the Flame, and Gustavus, knowing of this, did say to Aerdigwidder, "Alright, but when we get near the river tell me and we'll change drivers and you can drive over the bridge."

Now as they travelled southward the light was failing, and the duskiness of the night began to obscure much from their view, as well as a fog which began to rise. All the countryside about them did seem but one grey mass, and through these lands they seemed to drive endlessly. In time did Aerdigwidder feel that the lie of the land did seem to be that of a downward grade, as though they were going down a long and gentle slope, and he did look about him and as he did so he did not the ground about him fell away and beneath him was the vista of a wide and flowing mass of water, and above him the workings of a bridge. "Didn't you want to change drivers before crossing the river?" he did ask.

"Yes, I don't want to drive on the bridge," Gustavus did reply.

"Well, we're on the bridge now. Do you want to stop and let me drive?" Aerdigwidder suggested.

Gustavus' eyes became wild as one possessed, and his knuckles did whiten as he gripped the wheel with the fullness of his force, his lips drawn and tight. "NO!" he did reply. "I JUST WANT TO GET OFF!" and with great courage did he hit the gas and speed to the farther bank so fast as he could be carried. And so they continued into the darkness of night.

Now in this blackness did Christoph drive as they took them through the mountainous regions, and it came to pass that as they went up the mountains the Rabbit did strain against it's load, but when they went down the mountains it would be held back by no measure, and Christoph drove it on while Thaddeus kept him company and Aerdigwidder in his fatigue did sleep in the back. And in the blackness of the mountainous night there were huge beasts of many wheels known as semi, and they did follow and try to catch the Rabbit, close it its heels, prompting Thaddeus to plead with Christoph, "Ease up and let them by!" but Christoph would have none of it. His eyes burned as fir and he drove all the harder.

"No Way!" he did reply. And so it went in this manner up and down and Aerdigwidder, awakened from his fitful slumber did look back to see the gleaming teeth of one such monster close upon him and he was sore afraid.

In Nashville did they turn to the west and travel hard on to Memphis, where battle awaited them, and so it came that they arrived with the breaking of the dawn to the war camp beneath the levee, and were told that it was time for weapons inspection. Following this it was that Christoph did need to do battle at once as the Midrealm Champion with Bastard Sword and Aerdigwidder as the Champion with Spear, and both fought mightily against strong foes and brought forth victory. Then it was seen that full battle was upon them and all did don armor and take up weapons and march up and down the ravines that cut through the side of the levee, then turned to the woods to attack the foe, and mighty deeds were done and blows given and taken until the sun began to sink in the sky.

When the battles were done the warriors took supper and sought some respite from the rigors of the journey and the day, for they had not rested once. And as he lay in his hammock Aerdigwidder did think to himself, "If I stay here I'll fall asleep and find myself here all wet and dewy and cold in the morning. I think I'll go lie on my cot and rest." And as he lay down on the cot in his pavilion he did hear the sounds of preparation for the court and he bethought himself, "Oh, good. Court is starting. Well, if they call me I'll go," and immediately he fell into a deep slumber.

Now it came to pass that as the others sat in court the time for awards to be given to the victorious champions came and Christoph was called forward, and Christoph, who had quenched his thirst with many a beer, did not believe it when he was told his name was being called and did swear many mighty oaths against those who told him so, until at the last he was persuaded to step forward and receive his prize, which he did. Then it cam the time to award the prize to the Champion for Spear and the name of Aerdigwidder was called. All heads turned and looked around, but none was seen to come forward, and only the sound of what seemed a woodsman sawing was heard to break the silence. Gustavus did step up and say, "He's back at camp resting, I'll get him."

Gustavus found at camp no woodsman sawing, but only Aerdigwidder upon the cot, wrapped in sleep, and did seek to wake him. He did shake him gently and whisper, "Fum." Yet Aerdigwidder did not make to rise, and Gustavus, who had with Christoph quenched his thirst, did think to try a bit harder. He did hit Aerdigwidder upon the back and say boldly, "Fum, wake up. They want you at court." But Fum did not rise, and so Gustavus did try the harder and did strike Aerdigwidder a blow which shook his whole body, and the cot, too, and shouted, "Wake up, Fum! You're getting an award!" And even yet did Aerdigwidder not rise. Then did Gustavus do his most prodigious feat, and he did pound upon the sleeping body so violently as to make it for brief periods levitate above the cot into mid air, the whole of the time shouting, "Wake up, Fum! Wake up!!" but try as he might he could not rouse him and so did go to make his report.

The Flail Catcher

Now let it be known that in the ancient days of the Middle Kingdom, in the reign of Andrew II, flails were used in combat. And so it was that at Bacchanalia Foschad O'Dubdha and Hrothphrat did bring forth a pair of great flails and did play upon the field with them. The might of these weapons was so great as to pick armored men off their feet and cast them forth a yard or more from the place upon which they stood. The reason for these weapons was that the two were members of the Nivigothic Army, sworn to the defeat of the Dark Hoarde who were co-sponsors of the event along with the Canton of Three Hills. The Nivigothic Army did plan with these foul instruments to bring annihilation to the Hoarde, who were camped upon the summit of the hill.

Upon the crest of the hill sat Bahadur, working upon a piece of equipment for the evening's entertainment, and as he did work he did marvel at the destructive power of the flails below. That upon which he worked was a pole upon which was set the framework for a dancing ghost. Now as he sat and worked it came to pass that Foschad did take time away from the field of battle and did ascend the hill from below and upon reaching the summit he did find Bahadur at his labors and did wonder and marvel at what it was that Bahadur did hope to accomplish. After watching for a spell his curiosity could no longer be held in check and he did ask, "What's that you're making?"

Bahadur did look up from his labors and a twinkle of mischief came into his eye. "It's a flail catcher," he did respond.

Foschad's eyes did grow large and round. "A flail catcher?" he asked, looking at Dagan du Darragonne who had come nearby to see what was happening. "How does it work?"

Bahadur did smile, for his ruse had taken hold. "You hold it out over the heads of the front line and when someone uses a flail the wire frame catches the head so it can't hit anyone."

Dagan, who was also in the Hoarde, smiled and did his best not to laugh as he looked to Count Sir Franz von Blinkenlichten, Earl Marshall of the Middle Kingdom, who had come to watch.

"I don't know if that would be legal. It wouldn't pass inspection," ventured Foschad.

"What is it?" asked the Earl Marshal.

Bahadur did turn to Sir Franz with a sly wink. "It's a flail catcher. You hold it out over the lines and it catches the flails."

"What do you think?" asked Foschad.

Sir Franz turned to Foschad and smiled. "Well. . ." he said, "I don't know. I think you need to add a little more duct tape here and then it will be fine."

The first of the Saints of Andelcrag was Saint Einarr of the Onion. It was on the day when Albert von Drechenveldt won the Crown Tournament in Rivenstar that Einarr Grimbjornsson of Ironhold produced his miracle. At the feast in the evening it was seen that Camelot Mead had been donated in abundance and was to be found upon every table, and the table near to that at which Einarr and Thaddeus the Brown were sitting was not occupied by any save the bottles of mead. Indeed it was that several tables were in this state and so Einarr, being of viking stock, did make the best of this good fortune, and was in a very fine state of ecstasy when the onion soup course was served. The soup was made of roughly cut onions which were in near their raw state. As the feast did progress Einarr did take him a bite of this soup and then the miracle was seen in which Einarr did produce a full and uncooked onion from his very mouth and was instantly proclaimed as Saint Einarr of the Onion.

Many years later the second Saint of Andelcrag was sighted, though indeed she was heard before she was seen. Thaddeus the Brown and Siobhan O'Niell did live at House Darkblade, and often when they had visitors to their apartment, which was the first floor of a fine house, the visitors would hear the sounds of movement above their heads and would look up in wonder and exclaim, "What's that?" Thaddeus would reassure them by saying to them, "Oh, don't worry. That's our lady who lives above us," and this meaning Madeline who did live upstairs. Over time this was said quite often so that it did seem that Madeline was indeed Madeline, Our Lady Who Lives Above Us. And this did seem to make of Madeline a saint, especially when the Brothers of the Clariolite lite order did begin also to follow her and became the Madeclariolites. And Madeline was seen to stand with a halo behind her head and her right hand upraised in benediction, a mug of beer in her left hand, and she was heard to proclaim, "Let the good times Roll."

The third and fourth Saints of Andelcrag were created by Baronial Decree at the twentieth Saint Valentine's Day Massacre when Aerdigwidder did sanctify Thaddeus the Brown and Siobhan O'Niell for their miraculous efforts at producing Ten Valentine's day Feasts in a row and feeding the hungry multitudes until they did beg for mercy. Saint Thaddeus indeed did one time produce a whole tourney site out of thin air and this but a week before the tourney.

The Apocryphal History of Saint Brighid of the Log

In the reign of Iriel of Brannoch, the fourth king of the Middle, young Aerdigwidder von Zauberberg went to the Medieval Conference at Western Michigan University whereat the Barony of Northwoods was holding a tourney and demo. Aerdigwidder had newly become the seneschal of the Canton of Three Hills, and this was the second tourney he had come to see.

Early in the day he did meet with two gentles, Opalias and one David the Disinherited, and did welcome them to their first event. As the came to meet other people many in the crowd did greet Aerdigwidder saying to him, "Hi, Merowald, great to see you!" to which he responded, "I'm not Merowald." The people were astonished that he was not, and expressed disbelief, claiming that he and Merowald de Sylveaston could be twins. Eventually Merowald did arrive and the two did look upon each other. In the end they decided that they were not brothers, but could easily be cousins, and every since they have been friends.

Now Aerdigwidder had brought to this event the arms and armor, such as it was, of Algorik of Valkarth, and he did think to put the armor on and fight upon the field that morning. It must be known that in those ancient times, any who had arms and armor were able to fight and needed no training or experience to do so, but were generally paired with other novices. The armor that Algorik had and had allowed Aerdigwidder to use consisted of a helmet fashioned from a Freon tank, some basketball knee and elbow pads, a pair of hockey gloves, and some body armor made of a single layer of carpet over the chest and back and flaps of carpet that hung loosely next to the upper legs. This body armor was not at the time considered to be lacking in any way and was in fact more than many fighters wore. With this, a 24 inch round shield, and a broadsword did Aerdigwidder mean to take the field.

Now Foschad O'Dubdha, surveying Aerdigwidder, did take in the obvious and he asked the question, "Have you ever done this before?" Aerdigwidder did respond that this was indeed his first time out and Foschad did give him some advice and training by showing him how to hold his shield close to himself, rolling it down to block his legs and lifting it up to block his head, and he did give Aerdigwidder some five minutes of shieldwork before Aerdigwidder did take the field to fight with David the Disinherited.

Baron Sir Thorvald inn Grimmi was one marshal on the field and His Highness Sir Andrew of Seldom Rest was the other, and Thorvald, after having discovered that both combatants were novices in their first fight, did call for the combatants to lay on.

The fight began and progressed and then David the Disinherited did strike Aerdigwidder a blow, and Aerdigwidder did fall to the ground in the manner that he had noted other combatants do. Thorvald did stride up to Aerdigwidder and standing over him he

did ask, "Are you SURE that was a good shot?"

Aerdigwidder thought for a moment and said, "Well, I THINK it was."

Thorvald eyed the young man with suspicion. "Have you ever FELT a killing blow?" he asked.

Aerdigwidder said, "No."

At this point a twinkle entered Thorvald's eye, or perhaps it was more of a gleam, and a great smile came upon his grim visage. "Hey, Andrew," he called, "this guy's never felt a killing blow." and Andrew came over.

There may be those who have never met Duke Sir Andrew of Seldom Rest, who do not know that this was a man who once took a flaming spitted quarter of beef from the fire pit and shook the flames out, who did not see that when his lady's horse was acting up he punched it between the eyes and stunned the beast, who did not hear that he was known to fight with florentine greatswords upon occasion. Be it known that this was a mountain of a man and that he was in his prime. He stood above Aerdigwidder and smiled evilly. "So, you've never felt a killing blow?" he asked.

Aerdigwidder, now standing, did answer, "No."

"Lift your arm," said Andrew.

It might here be noted that while Aerdigwidder's body armor was as good as much of the time, and better than some, and while it did cover chest and back and had flaps that hung near the upper legs, it did not have anything covering the ribs whatsoever. Aerdigwidder in innocence did smile and raise his arm while Andrew did draw back his sword. Andrew loosed his blow and there was the sound of a dull "Thwack", like unto the sound of a side of beef being cut by a butcher, and Aerdigwidder's arm did co me down as he folded and made a sound much like "Oooof". Then did Aerdigwidder stand straight and look Andrew in the eyes and Andrew did begin to say, "Did the blow you got feel. . ."

And Aerdigwidder did cut him off in mid sentence and did respond, "I'll KNOW if I get one."

Andrew and Thorvald looked at each other with knowing looks and nods and winks and did call for the fight to continue and when after some time Aerdigwidder was struck again by David the Disinherited he did go down with much noise and display and was not again questioned on the matter, for he did make it look quite good, and David the disinherited did win the fight.

The Life of Saint Fum

Long ago in a land of open woodlands and swift, clear streams, there was a place where there stood three hills. In this land there were many people of the tribe of the Mundanes, and amoung them they had built many wonders. On the first of these hills they had built an acadamy of learning, on the second they had built a giant university, and on the third was the most wonderous marvel of all for it held a high tower of red and tan brick visible for miles around. Now after these mundane tribes had lived in this land or some two or three generations there came from the north, in the land of Valkarth a young lord known as Algorik, and from the west, in the land of Atenveldt, a strong willed lady known as LLylenya, and from an unknown land there came a small, dark, and lovely lady the mundanes called by the name of Joan Sherman, but whose true name is now lost to memory. And it came to pass that this last dark lady made a discovery deep in the heart of the northern woods in a place known as the Lost Barony, and what she had discovered was civilization, or the Society. Then it was that she brought the gift of civilization to Algorik and Llylenya and they founded a land that would ever after be called Three Hills.

In those days there was living in those wild and mundane tribes a youth of flowing red hair and piercing blue eyes and a welcoming smile and spirit, but who had no true name. And it came to pass that this youth did espie Llylenya and did take a liking to her and did seek to follow her, and when he did he soon found a wonderous sight, for there upon the acadamy green on the first hill there were knights at play with their swords and there were brightly colored banners, and the sound of music was heard in the air, and all of these things did weave around the youth and cast over him a spell of wonderous power, and he fell in love with the very spirit of chivalry.

Now there were some of a civilized nature who asked of this youth what his name was, and he replied that he surely had no name for he was not of the Society, but he was answered that any who came and participated, and who wore the garb of the society were indeed of the society, and must have a society name. At this the youth was troubled and he spent many an hour contemplating his name for the taking of a name is no small thing, and he took counsel one night with Joan, near to where Algorik sat in the tavern, and tried forth many ideas, each being called out to Algorik who added his wisdom by shouting back across the tavern, and Tyrbald sounded too bold and too much like Thorvald, and Sigfried sounded too proud, and so it went through the night until the youth with giddy abandon began to suggest names of the most mirthful nature, but Hostess of the Twinkies was ruled out as very troublesome indeed. Then did the youth say the name which held his magic, though he knew it not, for he suggested Fumdiddly of the Modunkers, and Joan and Algorik rejoiced for they sensed the magic it held, but the youth chose for a name Aerdigwidder von Zauberberg.

Now the very next morning the youth did come to meet with Llylenya, who was instantly filled with mirth, and she did ask of him what this name was that he had come up with the night before, this Fum. . .Fum. . .Fum something? and the youth did blush and say, "You mean Fumdiddly of the Modunkers?" And here then did riotous laughter occur, which caused the youth's face to redden with mock anger. "Just wait," he said, "til I'm knighted! Then it'll be SIR Fumdiddly of the Modunkers!" The riotous laughter doubled in intensity as Llylenya doubled over. "Or if I become king! His MAJESTY, FUMDIDDLEY OF THE MODUNKERS!" Llylenya could scarcely breathe or stand, for she laughed so hard. "DUKE SIR FUMDIDDLEY OF THE MODUNKERS!" This was all Llylenya could handle, and the youth, sensing this, took pity and quit so the lady could catch her breath.

"Oh, you've got to use it!" she insisted. But the youth refused, saying first that it was too hard to say, then that it was too long, then too silly, but Llylenya found counter arguments to all these protestations.

Finally the youth said, "Well, because I'd have to challenge people to battle because they'd want to shorten it and they'd all call me Fum!" And here Llylenya, who now had breath again, laghed once more.

After the two had finished talking the youth, who wanted to be called Aerdigwidder, turned to go and when he had gone but a short space he heard Llylenya call unto him, "Hey, FUM!" and he did turn to say something cutting in return, but when he turned what he saw was not only Llylenya but also Joan, and the both of them were laughing heartily, and Llylenya said unto Joan, "He ANSWERS to it- IT STICKS!" and so did Fum get his name.

HOW FUM CAME TO BELONG TO THE GREAT DARK HOARD

Long ago, in the reign of Laurelyn Darksbane, King of the Middle Kingdom, a great feast was held to honor Saint Valentine in the Canton of Three Hills. Now it was the custom in those ancient days that the cooks would always attempt to surpass each other in the production of delicacies for the desert course, which delicacies were formed into the image of wondrous beasts, or lofty castles, or ships at sea, and these delicacies were known amoung the people as "subtleties" because of their sublime nature. Now upon this occasion the cooks found themselves in a great quandry, for the previous subtleties had been of such a sublime nature that it seemed the might not be surpassed, and the cooks therefore fell into a deep melancholy and did bemoan their fate. Yet, as things would have it Baron Fum came to their aid with a novel idea. "Gentle cooks," he said, "many have made subtleties, and therefore why sould you not serve the king something new? Why not serve the king a 'blatancy'?"

Now, no one had ever suggested such a thing to the cooks before, and so they were dumbfounded, but they did begin to consider it., and in their consideration they began to like the idea. Yet they were confused as to just what this blatancy should be. The did Fum show them his kite shield with its blazon of Or fretty sable a chief invected ermine and they could see that it did look like a chocolate chip ice cream cone. "Now," said Baron Fum, "you place me upon this shield with an apple in my mouth and serve me up to the king as 'Baron a la mode'."

The cooks smiled upon this idea and so it was that with great fanfare and display the blatancy was announced and Baron Fum was thus served to his King and Laurelyn, seeing Fum thus presented did smile and begin to sharpen his great carving knife, saying, "It shall be a treat indeed to carve this Baron!"

Fum, seeing the gleam in the kings eyes as he spoke these words did answer, "Your majesty, I fear that this treat is too rare!"

"Why, no!" replied the King. "I think this dish is quite well done!"

"Ah, perhaps too much so," Baron Fum replied. "I am sure it is overdone and will prove to be too tough for such royal tastes as yours!"

Laurelyn then smiled, putting his carving knife down, and replied, "Yes, I believe you may be right." And then the king had an idea. "I'll give him to the Hoarde," he said. "Serve him to them!" and the bearers began to bring Fum to the Hoarde's table where the Hoardesmen were sharpening ther knives hungrily. Fum, seeing their mood, leaped from his ice cream platter and made his escape, though in this way, by the Crowns decree, he belonged to the Hoarde.

Now belonging to the Hoarde never seemed to be as troublesome to Fum as possibly being eaten by them was, but it turned out that there was belonging to the Hoarde and there was belonging to the Hoarde, for though Fum was the property of the Hoarde he was not a member of the Hoarde. Fum did indeed one time go to visit Elf at the Hoarde's encampment and when asked to sign in the book for admittance he said that he belonged to the Hoarde and explained the story. The gaurdes at the gate, however, would not be taken in in this fashion, and they told Fum that though he did indeed belong to the Hoarde he was not a Hoarde member but was instead Hoarde property and still needed to be signed in and out for use by individual Hoarde members.

Indeed Fum would still be the property of the Hoarde were it not for the fact that he cried out, "Justice from the Khan!" at Hoarde Great Court. He did not cry out, "Justice from the Khan!" because he was troubled by belonging to the Hoarde (In truth, the only knight of the Midrealm that ever belonged to the Hoarde as a knight), but because he sought to carry out a duel whith Chromus over the matter of a young lady. Fum had tried to meet Chromus on the fencing field to settle the issue, but Chromus had not appeared to answer the challenge. Then Chromus had agreed to meet Fum in the Bazaar to settle the issue with ping-pong ball crossbows during the midnight madness sale, but Chromus again did not appear because he had instead gone to the Khan's court. Therefore Fum appeared at the Khan's court and when all other business had been completed he did cry out, "Justice from the Khan!"

The Khan was shaken by this unexpected turn of events, but when he is asked for justice, the Khan does not refuse. So it was that Fum laid out his case agains Chromus in Khan's Court and Chromus answered in course and the duel was held before the Khan. The combatants stood back to back, took their paces, and fired. Fum fired first but his ball passed to the right of Chromus' head. Chromus then returned fire as Fum stood still before him, his arms outstreached to present the widest target possible. The ball came to strike Fum in the fullness of his manhood and Fum fell, mortally wounded. The lady wept for Fum and swore she would never be Chromus' lady and Queen Valthiona, who had also witnessed the feat, wept at Fum's bravery and called for a healer. A Hoardish healer came forward and gave Fum a potion which revived him, but a second dose once again sent him to death. Valthiona then asked to buy Fum's corpse from the Hoarde and Fum's corpse was sold to her, and she gave it to her husband, Sir Coley, who asked her for it. She looked down at the corpse, laid at her feet, and annointed it with her beer, and Fum was brought back to life.