Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Bad Humor
At The Truckstop
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
-- Editor: For once, the blonde gets even! Hehehe!
Friday, November 11, 2005
The Blonde and the Lord
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and, finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her thermos, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her comfy footstool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."
Thursday, July 08, 2004
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room as sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and delirious,broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"
A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - PRICELESS
Friday, February 27, 2004
I just got a strange virus today. Well, here take a look a this:
BUENOS DIAS!!
JOU HAVE YUST RECEIVED A MEHICAN BIRUS!!!!!
SINCE WE NOT SO TECHNOLOGICALLY ADBANCED IN MEHICO, DEESE EESE A MANUAL BIRUS.
PLEASE DELETE ALL THE FILES ON JOUR HARD DRIVE JOURSELF AND SEND THIS E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW.
TAN JOU POR YELPING ME.
JULIO MANUEL JOSE RODIRGUEZ GARCIA PORTILLO
MEXICAN HACKER
Saturday, February 21, 2004
I received a list of new viruses today from a very dear friend of mine. I thought it was only right to share them with all of you. Keep a close look-out for these, as there is no fix for any of them yet!!!
The Dubya Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.
The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.
The Clinton Virus - Gives you a 7-inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.
The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 300 Mb hard drive shrinks to 100 Mb, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200 Mb.
The Jack Kevorkian Virus - Deletes all old files.
The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.
The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST...
The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy . . . then discards it through Windows.
Thursday, February 05, 2004
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you?)
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or
make you get out of the pond naked."
"I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth
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